Freedom from reputation

Writing when angry brings out the best in me, I think.

I've just realized something. The last few months I've been groping in the dark not knowing what I've been looking for. I've been busy working hard to accomplish a goal I didn't fully appreciate. All I knew is when I'd fail to accomplish it. The feeling is bad. Must be what retards feel. There it is, there it is, there it is, oops, it's gone, but wait, what was it in the first place? Drool.

Thanks to a friend who just annoyed me I know what it is. Nothing like heightened emotion to give you an epiphany. I need freedom from my reputation. I've been told countless times about it, at times it's painted as a good reputation, at times a bad one. But always the same one. Well, to me it's bad. It means I don't have principles. Imagine me. Not having principles. What am I then? Aren't we the sum total of our beliefs which then form our principles which then dictate our actions?

First, acceptance. I won't deny the reputation and I'll even go as far as conceding that it has an element of truth. Undoubtedly it's exaggerated. I mean, real life is boring, let's stretch our imaginations, why don't we. But it's made up of a core of truth, painted by the prejudices of those with access to it, coated and layered by those without access who come to hear it, bloated by time and pampered to full erection by the mouths of those who tirelessly pay homage to it.

Then shame, anger and depression in quick succession. Never had much time for emotions.

Finally conviction and determination. I'll destroy the core truth of the reputation and pray that the whole structure crumbles. Undoubtedly it will take at least as much time to destroy as it took to build. But I will watch and wait, like that vulture in Sudan waiting for the malnourished child to die. I wonder what happened to the photographer of that sad tale.

I'll need to shed myself of a lot of trash. Also some useless acquaintances and even one or two negative friends. And fill in those gaps with newer ones who will be easier to control. I also need to distance myself from those participants who tempt me to give the reputation it's core truth. Yet another paragraph for the wise.

Rejoice universe, the cold one is making a comeback.

Random thought - The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.

Posted in: emotion,psychology,society