Of Exes & Whys

I almost did not publish this. I thought it was too personal. But then again, what am i afraid of? So why the heck not? And can't I always remove it?

I've had two relationships in my life, both very fulfilling, and both building a special bond that subsists to the present. Now, I don't date readily, commitment to something as devious and varied as a human being requires a complex mental/psychological process for which most 'suitors' are disqualified permanently ab initio. 

Unlike most people, the idea of emotional commitment is not a belated product of pubescent chemical imbalances but a premeditated concept which I have often considered from pre-adolescent times - ever since becoming self-aware, I dare say. I won't go into the details of how I was brought up with a very biased and adverse opinion on emotions and their expression but I believe that shaped my premature cynicism for 'love'. 

Anyway, the point is, I have always 'known' (read believed) that I'd always be alone. Even in my innocence I knew the world would have a tough time moulding someone to satisfy me enough to extract some level of conscious emotional commitment. So I've always 'known' I'd be alone and the concept of loneliness which so apparently plagues a significant portion people in their 20s (actually the age qualifier is an illusion) is  virtually non-existent in me. I welcome the idea, but I do not suffer from it's lack of fruition. I therefore find the lack of entanglement acceptable, maybe even desirable. 

Back to the point. Those two individuals are exceptional for having broken the norm, but I'm wiser, and I know if (a large if) there is a next one, one or two things will be different. Going back in time I am not sure I'd make the same choices but I'm definitely the richer for having met them. They say better to have loved and lost. 

Unlike most people I know, I have no legacy issues with my exes, I do not find fault in our relationship or in them and I cherish the post break-up moments (not sex, I've never had break-up sex). Of course the usual fights and disagreements are present, both during and after. We get along for this reason - there's a reason why we dated. Am I hangovered? Not really, because in the same breathe I'll say - there's a reason it ended. 

What's the secret to not having issues with your exes? I'm not sure, but I think knowing what you want before dating, and keeping in mind that there's a reason you broke up is a start. Don't rush into a commitment, get to know what it's all about, don't compromise on your standards. But I think above all, don't date someone you don't respect as an equal.....no matter how good the other stuff is.

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