So apparently today is Thanksgiving. What do I have to be thankful for? Many things. For one, health, life, presence of mind, family, friends, support systems, and some sense of direction in life i.e, the things that sustain. More on this.
Thursday, November 25
Tuesday, November 23
I have a lot of emotional road blocks
Without trying to fully understand exactly what that means, I will have a temporary moment of opening up. Temporary because I do not believe that it is the appropriate thing to do in most circumstances. However, for personal reasons which I will allude to here I have chosen to “open up” for just a while. I believe every human being has emotions and these are as diverse as the human interactions that provoke them. In most instances these involve judging another’s actions based on your personal beliefs and values. The more divergent the views from the acts, the stronger the emotional reaction is.
As a detour and further insight into the workings of my mind, I communicate better in writing. Something about being able to rephrase your thoughts before communicating them.
Back to the train of thought - In this particular case, the statement appearing at the beginning irks me. By the way, in case you think I tend to communicate in too structured and rigid a manner, that’s me. Accept it and stop trying to change me into a more socially chaotic person just so that you can have the satisfaction of seeing me as you’d think I ought to be. So people are out-going, others aren’t. Some freely express themselves while others prefer to have a more calculated approach to interactions. If you think that makes me sad and insecure, society allows you to think that but the thing is, I don’t care.
This is the way I am comfortable living. I have fun as well, and I enjoy myself. There are those who choose to be bitchy when they are not having a good time. I just choose to extricate myself from the circumstance if I can and if I cant I just put up with it. So what if I tell you? Chances are that you can’t help me. And chances are that if you can, I either don’t think its beneficial that you help me or I’ll be plain offended if you do. The bloody point is, quite trying to change what you don’t understand and appreciate it for what it is. If you think you understand me, the quit changing what I’m comfortable being into what you think proper. Who retired and made you God?
Ironically, while I appear to be busy defending my approach to social life, I am also in gross violation of my own canons. This is written with as few revisions as possible (in fact, only revisions for grammar and spelling) and represents one of the most chaotic expressions of my adult life. The only other most honest expression I have had is to my bosses which eventually got me a pay hike and changed their thinking on remuneration.
So yes, I can express myself to the point of defying social norms. I don’t have a problem expressing myself, you have a problem adapting to the fact that I’m judging you just like everyone else but I ain’t telling you shit about it. But don’t worry, I’m very open minded, leaving others to pursue their lives as they best know how but stopping every once in a while to tell them to stick it up somewhere if they cant respect who I choose to be.
Unlike a few other things in my life, if I was given a choice, I would not choose to be more expressive. I like who I am, at the very least, it puzzles a lot of people. Not that I really care too much about that. My greatest support for my way of emotional expression is that I am comfortable with it.
You ask how I get along with people who I have more than a casual social interest in. I don’t normally lower my barriers for them. My barriers help me keep people at a reasonable distance while I assess the merits and demerits of having them closer. One significant factor I look at is how disruptive they will be to the norm of the perfect symphony of existence I call my emotional life.
If you think that I’m hiding underlying psychological issues and insecurities, I have two answers. One, who isn’t? But more importantly, please feel free to tell me, I very much like hearing about myself so long as its on a one to one basis. Even criticism. Getting to see myself from someone else’s does so many things to me. For one, it helps me evaluate my own perspective of myself. Two, I just like hearing about myself and how problematic understanding me and accepting that you can’t change me can be. And third, it reveals your own internal conflicts which remind me just why I have chosen to be the way I am.
Eventually there are those who realize they can’t change me and try to live with me the way I am. I also have considerable difficulty accepting them for who they are but fortunately in most cases I don’t try to change them.
As a detour and further insight into the workings of my mind, I communicate better in writing. Something about being able to rephrase your thoughts before communicating them.
Back to the train of thought - In this particular case, the statement appearing at the beginning irks me. By the way, in case you think I tend to communicate in too structured and rigid a manner, that’s me. Accept it and stop trying to change me into a more socially chaotic person just so that you can have the satisfaction of seeing me as you’d think I ought to be. So people are out-going, others aren’t. Some freely express themselves while others prefer to have a more calculated approach to interactions. If you think that makes me sad and insecure, society allows you to think that but the thing is, I don’t care.
This is the way I am comfortable living. I have fun as well, and I enjoy myself. There are those who choose to be bitchy when they are not having a good time. I just choose to extricate myself from the circumstance if I can and if I cant I just put up with it. So what if I tell you? Chances are that you can’t help me. And chances are that if you can, I either don’t think its beneficial that you help me or I’ll be plain offended if you do. The bloody point is, quite trying to change what you don’t understand and appreciate it for what it is. If you think you understand me, the quit changing what I’m comfortable being into what you think proper. Who retired and made you God?
Ironically, while I appear to be busy defending my approach to social life, I am also in gross violation of my own canons. This is written with as few revisions as possible (in fact, only revisions for grammar and spelling) and represents one of the most chaotic expressions of my adult life. The only other most honest expression I have had is to my bosses which eventually got me a pay hike and changed their thinking on remuneration.
So yes, I can express myself to the point of defying social norms. I don’t have a problem expressing myself, you have a problem adapting to the fact that I’m judging you just like everyone else but I ain’t telling you shit about it. But don’t worry, I’m very open minded, leaving others to pursue their lives as they best know how but stopping every once in a while to tell them to stick it up somewhere if they cant respect who I choose to be.
Unlike a few other things in my life, if I was given a choice, I would not choose to be more expressive. I like who I am, at the very least, it puzzles a lot of people. Not that I really care too much about that. My greatest support for my way of emotional expression is that I am comfortable with it.
You ask how I get along with people who I have more than a casual social interest in. I don’t normally lower my barriers for them. My barriers help me keep people at a reasonable distance while I assess the merits and demerits of having them closer. One significant factor I look at is how disruptive they will be to the norm of the perfect symphony of existence I call my emotional life.
If you think that I’m hiding underlying psychological issues and insecurities, I have two answers. One, who isn’t? But more importantly, please feel free to tell me, I very much like hearing about myself so long as its on a one to one basis. Even criticism. Getting to see myself from someone else’s does so many things to me. For one, it helps me evaluate my own perspective of myself. Two, I just like hearing about myself and how problematic understanding me and accepting that you can’t change me can be. And third, it reveals your own internal conflicts which remind me just why I have chosen to be the way I am.
Eventually there are those who realize they can’t change me and try to live with me the way I am. I also have considerable difficulty accepting them for who they are but fortunately in most cases I don’t try to change them.
Monday, November 22
First Post
This is new to me. I'm known not to express myself. I am known to calculate my responses to social interactions. Perhaps thats why I am known as cold. But I think my friends suspect otherwise. Let me start of by stating this - I am strange. I really dont know anyone else like me. I dont know anyone else the way I do me. Sure I play to typical psychological convention, but I like to think I don't play quite the same. For one, I communicate better in writing. And I'd like to share my perspectives on life matters with random anonymous others.
My topics will be random, they will be about anything I encounter that has me reflecting for more than a mere moment. I will try to be consistent, but I can offer no promises. This may be a stage that will pass, or this may be an avenue for discovering something within that has long eluded me. I will receive fair comment without judging the commentor, but I will also remove any I consider disruptive of the prevailing intention of this blog. I promise to try and write freely, without reservation and without more than grammatical and spelling revision.
I feel I must explain where this idea came from. It started with a comment "You have too many emotional barriers". This came from little more than a stranger, someone who's life has only been relevant in the two occassions I have met him. For some reason I felt compelled to explain. I normally don't. But after writing down a chaotic explanation (which I will share in a subsequent post), he declined to receive it. So what to do, another randomly named, password protected document in my computer? Nah, I decided it must be saved and shared on a more dynamic medium.
So thats me. And thats what this is. Now to set up privacy settings and post.
My topics will be random, they will be about anything I encounter that has me reflecting for more than a mere moment. I will try to be consistent, but I can offer no promises. This may be a stage that will pass, or this may be an avenue for discovering something within that has long eluded me. I will receive fair comment without judging the commentor, but I will also remove any I consider disruptive of the prevailing intention of this blog. I promise to try and write freely, without reservation and without more than grammatical and spelling revision.
I feel I must explain where this idea came from. It started with a comment "You have too many emotional barriers". This came from little more than a stranger, someone who's life has only been relevant in the two occassions I have met him. For some reason I felt compelled to explain. I normally don't. But after writing down a chaotic explanation (which I will share in a subsequent post), he declined to receive it. So what to do, another randomly named, password protected document in my computer? Nah, I decided it must be saved and shared on a more dynamic medium.
So thats me. And thats what this is. Now to set up privacy settings and post.
