Dystopia

I feel strange.

I feel like locking myself up this weekend and not coming out until it's over. At the same time I feel like going out there, where it's all happening (but well lit) and seeing young others having platonic fun. And I want my friends.

Unlike most people, I don't have a best friend. I'm yet to find anyone I can identify with (or conversely who can identify with me) to that extent. And it leaves a vacuum of trust and a load on my chest. Now don't get me wrong, I have close friends, who know more about me that I would, in my more rational moments, prefer them to know. And these close friends are sufficient.

But a best friend is that person you give special critical privilege, the right to question you without the reciprocal right for you to get angry and exorcise (yes, like a demon) from your life.

But the way I feel has nothing to do with not having a best friend, I just brought that up to explain why this finds itself in this blog, rather than on the soaking wet shoulder of a bff. My random feeling has to do with a long chain of post-apocalyptic (and similarly dystopic themed) movies that I've been watching, both on big screen and at home. They've left me with this sour taste in my mouth, or rather, they have made the normal motions of ordinary life leave such a taste at such a prime location (pun intended).

So I feel I need time off, and yet I want to observe humanity from afar, and yet again I want the company of those few loved ones. Put it like this, I want it all, and I want it all this weekend.

I did something else I'm embarrassed about - I made someone fall in love with me. At first it was a momentary prank with no intention to see it thru but someone developed it into a dare. I wasn't sure of success, but daily calls, and miss you texts, an "I have a soft spot in my heart for you" statement and fluffy inboxes have me thinking I'm in way over my head. I wanted to succeed, and I'm afraid I've done just that. Now to get out with as few casualties as possible.

And before you judge me, I did say I'm sorry, didn't I?

Moving on, I know why I don't bring people too close - because they are human, which means they are full of contradiction and inconsistency, which, coupled with my own vagaries tends to lead to inevitable chaos. I don't like chaos, it's too......you know, random!

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