Gotcha!!!

The audacity of hope is to defy probability.

Yesterday we recovered a friend's macbook which had been stolen from my place (I shared my distress here). We got the miscreant and just so you be aware, I have opted to disclose his identity (I trust that the report filed with the police will suffice to rebut any defamation claims made in this regard).

I wish I could say it was CSI Nairobi but we were going up against a petty thief who seriously needs to use his "skills" to get an IQ so the challenge was short of titanic. We still needed the drive of an outsider. The owner of the laptop shares my lethargy for senseless pursuit of material things but is slightly more vengeful and had indicated that running over someone was an option. And so we engaged the private services of a cop, and visited various estates, staked out one in particular, sourced for his pictures on the net (I did this bit, quite easy actually with our blinding devotion to sharing our lives on facebook), talked to his neighbours and finally knocked on his door.

I still can't wrap my mind around the "why" of it all. Why would you steal a laptop from people who are not perfect strangers and then keep it? It perturbs me given there were no drool marks on his face.

I was not there to see the look on his face when they walked into his house where the whole family was seated oblivious to the fact that they were habouring a felon. I wish I was there, right now my struggle would be to find words to express that look on his face. My last text to him was that we would do whatever it took to get him - I really wish I was there to say "GOTCHA!!!" I like living up to my word.

Anyway, my friends politely asked for their property and it came with a free bag (looks free too though) and fake nokia earphones. Yippee, we can now retire. We'll be returning those though. We are men of honour (except when circumstances demands otherwise which then speaks to the calibre of honour which we [tentatively] lay claim to).

The thief had upgraded the OS and put a new password so I had to text him to ask. I did so politely and he responded with the password. I thanked him and wished him a good night. And this was no attempt to "heap coals of fire on his head" as the good book would want. I tend to resort to absolute courtesy when I'm deadly serious - no raised tones in my speech when I'm damning a mortal.

My friend decided not to prefer charges. Mercy was not ours to give or to withhold so we respected his decision. For the record, I'd have done the same. Mercy and grace are accorded to me without measure, and so in those rare circumstances when I have the choice and my conscience permits it, I will give them without measure.

The elation the recovery brought was such a good way to end the weekend. It took a while to take in the fact that our search was over and my conscience had been cleared. I can imagine how much more relief the owner had. For me it was just a stained conscience, for him actual loss of property - valuable and cherished property.

I suspect this will be a blogful week, I have issues to share.

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The 7 (Technological) Wonders of the World - Art Droid's version

My seven wonders of the world:

1. Global Village - distance has been conquered. The ubiquity of communication technology is such that the only thing that distance and borders can deny you in social interactions is touch (with its many variations). I still wonder how they used to do it those days without instant messaging, instant emails, mobile telephony and social networking. Oh, wait, I think I'm old enough to remember. We really didn't do much, but on the flip side we had lots of time to do whatever it was that we did. No such thing as the "good old days" for me.

2. Live Text - that I can sit on my laptop busy working and read the budget speech being currently read by the Minister almost word for word is amazing. Unlike radio and tv where rewind is not possible, scrolling up and down allows me to quickly recap on what I've forgotten. Its news reporting taken to another level especially for those of us who do not have time or resources to watch tv or listen to radio while working. And not just news, I remember just last year "reading" various world cup matches.

3. Touch screens - from mobile phones, to tablets to ATM and public utility interfaces, this idea is outlawing dedicated hardware buttons. The adaptability is almost limitless. Coupled with the ever increasing quality of screen resolutions, we're heading to the sci fi era.

4. Blogs - just like this one. People get to share ideas, opinion, news and gossip through writing, photos and videos without the confines of professional or regulatory ambits. As I said in an earlier post, its like having a tv or radio station or newspaper which is wholly controlled by one person. Pardon the pun, but its getting it raw. From the right winger's who play to the popular convention of publishing (market based with appropriate controls) to the left wingers who do their thing for whatever its worth.

5. Android - What Linux did for computer geeks everywhere is what Android has done for phone geeks. But you don't have to be a geek to realize its benefits, you just need to have the money and time to get and make use of a smart phone. The customizability (yes, I know the word doesn't exist . . . yet) of the interface and availability of (free) useful widgets and applications is impressive. No other mobile platform can match us - not even the once perfect symbian and definitely not the gated community of Apple or the decadent Microsoft.

6. Social networking - You think this is related to Global Village? Really? Well, let me explain how I see it . . . Ok, I see your point. But the emphasis here is, while there is the ability to reach anyone you know regardless of distance, social networking makes it possible to have your own online community at your finger tips. On social media you are who you say you are tempered only by how many of your friends support (passively, via public posts) your cyber-image. I think the first forms of social networks were dating sites which were geared towards putting you in touch with potential significant others (or one hour commitments) but this has grown to embrace other aspects of our lives including career, consumer habits, views and opinions and the all-too-popular allure - gossip.

7. High-Definition Television - HD (and 3D) is also something I didn't have in my childhood. Not that it would have mattered on a small black and white greatwall TV but hey, at least I know there were no HD images to catch at the local TV shops. From DVD rips which show clearly on big TVs to the prohibitively huge but deliriously clear 1080p quality HD downloads, quality is fast becoming as important as content. Yet another sign that we're becoming a more vain society.

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The little things in life

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Shower gel - the hot water rolling down your body and a carefully chosen scent wafting into your nostrils. Sigh.

Signature Cologne - the concept of having a signature scent (that's not natural) and a mark left in the second-least common social sensory organ. They say smell makes for the strongest memories - one need look no further than animals to see the point.

Clean sheets and a shower before bed - some of the joys of being single.

Space - organized space. be it in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, office, car, parking, garden, restaurant or lounge. It's like the mind adopts the attitude of the space around it.

Medium sweet red wine - something about the balance between sweet and full bodied tantalizes the tongue, a bitter sweet and oh so flavored sensation in your mouth. Again, mind out of the gutter. Now add a matching flavor chocolate and suddenly you're alone in your own world. Bliss.

Hover - that's what I call that moment after "I'll have another" and "Oh shit, I'm high". That serene moment when you have all your faculties with you and yet you have this stupid smile on your face like you just finished doing something mildly embracing but fun.

Mid-night bungee - for crying out loud, mind out of the gutter. You know when you wake us and swear silently at the crack of dawn only to realize that you have a few more hours of sleep? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Guess what, you actually smile. Check next time it happens, if you remember.

Cuddling - some people hate it but they can bite me. Right now I can think of three people I'd cuddle with at a moments notice...none of them is fat, fat makes me sweat.

Chocolate - now you can tell this is not in order of preference. Oral orgasm. From rum and raisin to fruit and nut to Ferrero Roche. What used to be an intermittent craving is now a lifestyle.

Waking up to an empty house - and all the "not a morning person" people said AMEN. Just give us 1 hour and come back in, please.

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Sample social irritants

1. Live a little - yes, your life is fun and you are by far making more use of it than the poor lifeless folk around you. But who appointed you entertainment manager of the universe. Leave us be, maybe we find boredom fun, yet another social paradox like pain being pleasure or fear being entertaining or blondes being good in bed.

2. So tell me about yourself - now I like the sound of my voice and find myself a great topic for anytime any place but if it's a social setting, try and be more creative. Chances are that if you ask that question, you're either a veery boring person to be around or we're just not going to enjoy each others company.

3. So what's new - read - we've reached that stage in our chat where the awkward silence would play is ever so important role. Further below is what not to say during this serene moment. If it comes shortly after "hi", then our social relationship needs rethinking.

4. they're there theirs - this is infinitely more common and therefore more frustrating than item 5 below. My comments there (or should I say their) apply but by a three digit factor.

5. Quit quite quiet - my English teacher did me a great disservice. Yes, she did teach me grammar and all but she, unfortunately, did not have the capacity to inculcate the more particular nuances of the language in me. However, I think we need a public campaign on the use of these words.

6. Rat race language evolution - we all know acceptable truncations in chat. Veery few of us like chatting in pure prose but there's a limit. Ok, let me say it as it is - truncating the last vowel of every swahili word is not cool. Focus people, progress is generally in the forward direction.

7. Mob psychology - I respect individuality even when I don't agree with it's detail. However, the pursuit of traits because they are popular in some circles is a tragedy - murder most foul on creativity and self acceptance. True, as social beings our every desire is shaped in part by the opinion of others and creativity is little more than rearrangement of memory, but living someone else's life so passionately alludes to a most desperate soul.

8. Unsuccessful attempt to improve on awkward silence - God made those awful breaks in conversation for a reason and it's profoundly presumptuous of people to rudely interrupt them with random topics which justify the silence. Conversations starting with "so..." tend to be bad ways of breaking the silence.

10. Face'less'book profiles - it's facebook, darn it. You think we spent all this time developing a real profile complete with pictures and posts and updates just so we can connect anonymously? Look for a freaking chat room or chat with your fellow faceless friends but for goodness sake leave normal profiles alone. Yeah, you with the 4000 friends, you haven't made it to my top ten.

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8 classes of gay men

Now I must say this is not my work, I wish I was nearly half this creative. I came across it courtesy of a friend's curiosity. Makes for an entertaining read and make me drop my phone in bouts of laughter one one or two occasions.

The Skinny Bitch
This strain of Black gay is typically very young (”green”) but quickly rises in popularity in his newfound social circle because of his youth, pliability and quick mastery of shade. His goal is to accrue as many enemies as possible since he’s convinced that having enough people that despise him means he’s “doing something right.” He will spend an entire month’s salary on designer sunglasses because he considers them social currency.Activities: “Walking”, throwing shade, wearing eyeliner, being penetrated, hogging the camera, starting arguments with strangers, making youtube videos, going to the mall.
Diva of Choice: Beyonce or Rihanna (there is no in-between)
Top or Bottom: Bottom.

The Homo Thug
The Homo Thug’s days are numbered since this is a group that usually patterns itself after trends in Hip-Hop, and the thug image is slowly fading. However, this image is still a selling point in gay porn and a popular refuge for closeted men. He usually has archaic notions about Black male sexuality and equates “thug” with masculinity. He is disrespectful, self-hating, and needs to pull his pants up.Activities: Hiding, lying, saying “I don’t do that gay shit”, smoking weed, being ignorant, having kids, having a limited vocabulary, not returning calls, breaking hearts.
Diva of Choice: Lil’ Wayne
Top or Bottom: Outdoor Top/Indoor Bottom

The Big Boy
These teddy bears are sweet, loving, warm and always horny. The lines between a good meal and good sex are often so blurred that any conversation involving “meat” will simply have to be taken in stride. He is way more confident than you think he has a right to be, always has a date (because he looks “healthy”), he’s funny, and will give you anything in the world as long as you are consistently fucking his brains out.Activities: Calling skinny bitches “skinny bitches”, cooking, hugging, making inappropriate double entendres, grabbing.
Diva of Choice: Jennifer Hudson
Top or Bottom: Bottom.

The Muscle Queen
They roll in packs and only date each other. You never see them during the winter months because they are in the gym 24/7. Come summer, he’s wearing the smallest tank-top or the tightest t-shirt. Don’t bother lusting after him, because you do not exist in his world.Activities: Making fun of fat people, lifting weights, talking about lifting weights, accusing skinny people of being sick, dating white guys, bumping into people, being penetrated.
Diva of Choice: Creatine.
Top or Bottom: Power Bottom.

The Church Queen
In spite of the Black church’s reputation for homophobia and intolerance, you will find that a number of Black gay men make the church the cornerstone of their social interaction, perhaps out of a sense of familial or religious obligation, or simply because the choir is so fierce. The Church Queen is usually loyal and loving, but is prone to Tourette-like outbursts of “Jee-suss!!” in any given situation. He listens to gospel music constantly and considers Loretta Divine his spirit animal.Activities: Cooking, talking loud, clutching his pearls, singing, being called “mother”, being single, speaking with a southern twang even though he’s from the midwest or the northeast.
Diva of Choice: Karen Clark Sheard.
Top or Bottom: Sanctified Bottom.

The Uppity Snob
He is educated, has a six-figure salary, a nice car and a big house, but nothing is good enough for him. He will throw dinner parties with his Coven Of The Articulate and they will all wear hard-soled shoes regardless of the season, time of day or theme. When he’s among other types of gays, he will roll his eyes, sneer, or attempt to oppress them intellectually. In spite of all his accomplishments, he’ll never be happy, can’t take a joke and never laughs. He can usually be found in the club wearing a blazer and sipping a cocktail against the wall.Activities: Debating, sighing, having a small penis, having furniture delivered, going to the spa, being offended, finding excuses to use any word that requires a schwa.
Diva of Choice: Whitney Houston
Top or Bottom: Bottom.

The Alterna-Queen
He doesn’t like the “gay scene” because he finds it “too mainstream.” You can find him a coffee shop with his MacBook Pro listening to underground Soul or Hip-Hop, writing poetry and waiting for someone with whom he can debate the oppression of goats and librarians. He often accuses people of “not getting” him and reactively dislikes anything that everyone else likes. He’s basically “The Uppity Snob” but with dreadlocks.Activities: Poetry slams, debating, having his locks re-twisted, blogging, shopping at outdoor markets, calling himself a photographer, quoting Marcus Garvey, dating white men.
Diva of Choice: Some bitch you never heard of.
Top or Bottom: Top for white guys, otherwise bottom.

The Old Queen
The Old Queen has seen everything and done everyone. He thinks you’re frivolous and that you stole everything from his generation. He will say things like “in my day, the men were men” and “remember when House music was House music?” He is short of patience and doesn’t want to hear your whining.Activities: Knowing everything. Remembering everything.
Diva of Choice: Stephanie Mills, Teena Marie, Chaka Khan or Luther Vandross.
Top or Bottom: Like it even matters.

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Dream Drive, Vain Street

We all have our ambitions, and for most of us, the detail of our ambitions include a sub-sector of cars. This is my list, of what I have and what I hope to have.

A tame little car which caught my heart and was within the reach of my wallet. The story of this car was the opportunity cost of a blue Toyota 111 from a friend of mine. I was about to seal the deal then someone advised to me to check out an open field local car bazaar. It was among the first cars I saw within my price range. I didn't tell my pal but once I saw the car I was instantly in love. From the color to the lights to the price. The car had me at hello. It is a good first car to have - decent power for any but the heavy footed, no mechanical issues except a few radiator related problems fixed by weld here and there, and not too common on the road as its Toyota counterparts (but fast getting there). Sheldon

Now this car is as a result of the seed of heavy footedness that was sawn in me by my friends. Subaru is known for power but traditional makes always failed to appeal to the aesthetic element in me. But I saw this at a car bazaar once and I was smitten - call it love at first sight...ironically I only saw it from behind. I want it turbo charged so I can do 0 to 60 mph in 6 seconds for the record. Viktor

This car is sheer beauty but only in black. Reminds me of someone I know. All my other cars, until further notice, will be in white. Except this one. In white it looks good but in black it looks like sex with a 2.5 ltr engine, to be ridden hard and not just for procreative purposes. Samurai X

The destiny of every ambitious car owner is to go German. I used to be a Mercedes fan but I've long since been shown the light. Look at any good hotel and you'll see a merc being used as a cab, but never a BMW. Its a performance car, until very recently devoting very little attention to interior luxuries that make the mercedes the preferred executive car. I see myself doing the whole range....ish. Starting with a modest 320i and increasing the engine capacity till I hit twin turbo with the 335i. I've never been a fan of executive cars so I'll skip the 5 and 7 series altogether despite rumours that the 5 series is a driver's car. King Julian

From the three series I'll head for this alien beauty. First time I saw this car, it offended me. I didn't know what to make of it. Now that very quality attracts me. I've heard its performance is like an old man on expired viagra pills. But who cares for performance. Most cars can do 200kph, it just takes time and foolhardy courage for some. Anyway, I once stalked this one in the CBD in an attempt to comprehend the 'why' behind it's design. If it wasn't for my colossal ego I'd have driven it by now. Yoda

I'm not overly ambitious so my list ends there for now. But I bet they'll make something that will give me a heart attack one of these days. The range sport, the jaguar xf, the BMW M3, and the Mercedes clk are other cars that I'd like to drive, but not really own.

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Leaving

I'm on leave.....for just two days but it had me thinking. Leave is a word close to my heart, almost as close as no. Now I don't get to say it often enough.....mostly because I don't make too many mistakes and even the few ones I make are corrected by a no long before the word leave is necessary.

So I'm boring? I know I don't live up to your idea of interesting. I'm sorry, I beg you forgiveness. I mean, how dare I? So very inconsiderate of me.

What might come as an absolute shocker is that I find your idea of fun to be a catastrophic waste of time, tantamount to downright debauchery and equalled only by the most famous tragedies of our time. That I don't run away screaming.........for a gun to shoot you followed by me......just to make sure I didn't have to live through it, is proof of my sheer magnanimity.

The point is, every one is entitled to their own notion of fun, and I have mine. I like the lazy approach to fun......let the fun find me. I like them movies and them coffee lounges and them road trips and all those things I do. I don't like going out, worrying, binge drinking, taking weird fetish risks like most of the rest of the populace.

So let's examine what it is that leads them "interesting" people to call me boring. If what I'm doing is boring, here's a bright idea, actually true epiphany. LEAVE. Go and follow your contemporary cliche ideas of fun and leave me the heck alone. I agree that what I'm doing is boring......because you're here saying it's so and I have been too transfixed to give you alternative things for you to do with your mouth......like bite on a cushion and find an appropriately rusted barbed wire to lean on while I live my life.

I have friends who either put up with what I'm doing and shut up, or are twisted enough to actually enjoy the moribund activity which I've chosen for the day. Live a little? Fucking leave me alone a little.

Could it be that these interesting people find my company nice to be around? If so, why are they trying to change what they enjoy? Decide.

But wait. I know boring people, one or two here and there. Maybe I should go sound time with them telling them that they're boring. Oh wait, I find that kind of stuff boring. Oh well, they have to live without the benefit of my undeniable incredibly indispensable words of wisdom.

Sigh.

I've stopped the random thoughts segment, the producer was weighed on the scales and found wanting.

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