Email Blogging

I might be resort to this to avoid having to show up on the site all the time now that I’ve made it all colourful and gay. So let me see how this works out.

I have a moderate appreciation of art. Especially digital pictures that voilate the senses. Like the burning bush the guitar is not consumed by the fire that so apparently engulfs it. Thrilling. For someone with an expansive imagination, this gets you wondering.

Random thought: Hibiscus. Thor 3D. Parched. What a useless day.

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Freedom from reputation

Writing when angry brings out the best in me, I think.

I've just realized something. The last few months I've been groping in the dark not knowing what I've been looking for. I've been busy working hard to accomplish a goal I didn't fully appreciate. All I knew is when I'd fail to accomplish it. The feeling is bad. Must be what retards feel. There it is, there it is, there it is, oops, it's gone, but wait, what was it in the first place? Drool.

Thanks to a friend who just annoyed me I know what it is. Nothing like heightened emotion to give you an epiphany. I need freedom from my reputation. I've been told countless times about it, at times it's painted as a good reputation, at times a bad one. But always the same one. Well, to me it's bad. It means I don't have principles. Imagine me. Not having principles. What am I then? Aren't we the sum total of our beliefs which then form our principles which then dictate our actions?

First, acceptance. I won't deny the reputation and I'll even go as far as conceding that it has an element of truth. Undoubtedly it's exaggerated. I mean, real life is boring, let's stretch our imaginations, why don't we. But it's made up of a core of truth, painted by the prejudices of those with access to it, coated and layered by those without access who come to hear it, bloated by time and pampered to full erection by the mouths of those who tirelessly pay homage to it.

Then shame, anger and depression in quick succession. Never had much time for emotions.

Finally conviction and determination. I'll destroy the core truth of the reputation and pray that the whole structure crumbles. Undoubtedly it will take at least as much time to destroy as it took to build. But I will watch and wait, like that vulture in Sudan waiting for the malnourished child to die. I wonder what happened to the photographer of that sad tale.

I'll need to shed myself of a lot of trash. Also some useless acquaintances and even one or two negative friends. And fill in those gaps with newer ones who will be easier to control. I also need to distance myself from those participants who tempt me to give the reputation it's core truth. Yet another paragraph for the wise.

Rejoice universe, the cold one is making a comeback.

Random thought - The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.

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Hard and sweaty business

Yesterday evening I was chatting with a friend of mine and voila, I randomly engaged in that very interesting physical activity which it tiring and sweaty but leaves you feeling so darn satisfied. Yes, I went to the gym.

Now, I’m not overly fat although I have to admit I’m less than fit by more than a few points. Nevertheless, I don’t have this pressing need to lose weight. You’re right, what weight. But I like the idea of working out for a few reasons. Facing the challenge builds discipline. If you can keep up the habit despite your body’s protests, what else shouldn't you be able to do without your body’s express consent?

It does wonders to the biology of the body. From my experience, I get a healthier appetite and require less hours of sleep with consistent working out. That, of course, might have changed since the last time I worked out.

Working out also revitalizes the spirit. This may be related to the other two points but just one work out yesterday made me feel on top of the world, no pun intended.

A few experiences made this a bit different from other work outs I’ve heard in the past. For one, I had a trainer taking me through the ropes. So after cycling 4km and running two, this particular trainer targeted muscles I’d forgotten I have. Thank God the sets are limited to three. One more set and I’d have been crying for mummy.

I got into the sauna - very interesting experience. I hate heat and I hate humidity. So why, pray tell, would they make a place that artificially creates both for the human body? It was a horrible experience. A few more times and I'll be done with it for life. After such a work out and very few part of my body are aching a day later, it had to be the sauna.

Then I come out of the sauna and my 22 year old trainer steps out of the shower butt naked (or nekd, as my friend says). And he’s not in a hurry to cover himself. For five random minutes he galavants his exposed self in the changing room. At this point I should clarify that we were alone in the room.

I’ve been brought out with a certain healthy respect for privacy and nothing gets more private than “private parts”. To be so accosted out of the blues was a grand violation of my notion of indecent exposure. Now I’ll be the first to admit that you can’t indecently expose something decent, but I’m still not convinced on the decency of this particular exposure.

Thirst. No, not that. The sauna allegedly makes you lose 1 litre of water through sweat for every two minutes you’re in that darned place. I didn’t believe that so I googled it. Apparently, an average person loses between 0.5 and 1.5 litres of water for a 15 minutes session. That’s more credible. So I was thirsty. I normally don’t like drinking water but I was gulping glass after glass.

A perfectly well formed body. That’s what staying in a gym does to a normal human being. Too bad it doesn’t change the face for the better. My life would have been that much more hard. For the wise.

Moving on, due to the proliferation of android based phones in the Kenyan market, I had an interesting experience yesterday. A friend of mine invited me to a chat group on a web-based SMS program. This group had 10 people, nine of whom I knew. And they were having a sex chat. So here I was seeing some otherwise innocent people talking about the most debasing things. I knew the moment I'd step in most of them would not be free to chat so I just read and hushed. Most interesting.

I hurt my back. Isn't it interesting how 40 sit ups can make me go to work the following day at noon and a weekend of lifting a 55kg weight for an hour doesn't incapacitate me one bit? The difference is motivation I guess. Ego plays its part. This paragraph is another for the wise.

Random thought - Chips and chicken. 60 kgs - that's what I weight yesterday.

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The Philosophy of a Weekend

For the first time since I started blogging again, I took a few days off. Inadvertently. The weekend just caught up with me like one of those cyclic redundancy errors of the diskette era.

I always wonder if there is some underlying psychology behind what makes my weekends. Well, technically, of course there is. But can I ever know it. Should I make a case study of one?

In some ways this weekend was typical, characterized by the relaxing indiscipline of indulging in certain activities while yearning for other. Those I engaged in being sleeping, watching tv and visiting friends, while those I yearned for being hitting the road in German technology, enjoying the presence of a chosen companion and receiving a deep tissue massage. About hitting the road in German technology, you know you crave the road when you start heading to a place called Kinoo for an official meeting and you end up in a place called Limuru just coz ‘you missed a turn’. And it’s the fuel tank that stopped me. And this was not German engineering.

But this weekend does not make for an ideal case study. It had a few unusual about it. One being I went out. To Westlands of course for the only thing that makes going out worth while. A feast for the eyes. Watching that youth at the prime of life dressed in the most “interesting” ways gives me some sort of joy.

My interest in this crowd is not popular perverted drool of the elderly thinking about the old days when they still had virility in their loins or the senseless panting of a teenager in heat, but the envy of a culture that was not part of my early years and an almost artistic appreciation of the aesthetics of a finer biology complimented by contemporary fashion.

I have to confess that had I been part of such a crowd when I was young, I would not have turned out to be the person I am today. I am grateful in part that I didn’t enjoy that lifestyle, but I’m also glad that I’m getting to see it before I’m too old to be anything but a pervert in enjoying the scene.

Another thing that made this weekend unusual is that, for the first time in months, I did not have a full house. I think in total, I had 2 visitors to my name. The usual culprits were missing, along with the usual shenanigans.

I did two things that I’m embarrassed about. Both a result of indiscipline. Of course I wont tell you what they are, I said they’re embarrassing, didn’t I?

Overall, May is turning out to be a “not so bad month”.

Random thought – I don’t think this is going to be a “deep” week. I think I’ll discuss more personal stuff.

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Lets talk about sex

Ok, not really, but I got your attention, didn’t I? And a perfect excuse to upload a pic.

Now that I have your attention, the saying is that success is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration but I think I differ on the percentages. My reason is simply. Success does seem to have a correlation with hard work but does not clearly guarantee results, and neither can it boast to be an essential ingredient. I see impoverished lean people on the streets whose glistening bodies evidence hard work while the opulent only acquire the same sweaty profiles in gyms and saunas.

Hear ye, hear ye, there comes the troops saying it depends on how you define hard work and success. Lets try simple definitions – hard work is what gets you really tired (physically or otherwise) and most people will shy away from while success is wealth/unlimited access to the things that make life worth while.

By that definition I think those properly called labourers work pretty hard while those called executives don't break a sweat on a daily basis. And yet who has less limitations in accessing the things we all seek? Rhetoric.

Inspiration on the other hand is less discriminative of cadres. I get more done in one inspired hour than in an otherwise busy day. My employer has wisened up to my ways and leaves me to my devices. He knows I need time to work up the inspiration to give him what he needs to impress his clients. He knows I need time to work up the inspiration to get what I need to impress his clients.

I agree, hard work and success can be defined in other ways. But could everyone please stop implying that appearing busy will ultimately unlock success?

Ok, lets really talk about sex

Male or female? Got you again, didn’t I?

I recently read a blog that asserted that all men are driven by the quest for sex. I disagree, I think its just most men. And I also think its not really sex, it’s the conquest that sex means. Explains why the harder the target, the greater the urge to have it.

Yeah, that’s all I have to say on the matter. No positions, no names, no statistics and no personal confessions.

Not so random thought - Coitus. Copulate.

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Tactful humility

So am in this meeting, right? We've arrived late and the client starts going on and on about how we and the other advisor in the room are not taking it seriously. As in he's getting really worked up.

Ok? And here are the two reactions I observed from the two culprits. The other advisor gives excuses and takes this hard stand saying he's not at fault. Come to think of it, this is how kids do it too. This aggravates the client further and his voice has become shaky. I call it embarrassing anger, you know, that one you know you're making an ass out of yourself but you don't care coz venting it feels just so damn sweet - kinda like taking a stubborn crapper, you don't even dare look at your phone at that point.

And my boss? He apologizes. This despite the fact that he has a flawless track record of attendance unlike the other chap.....except today of course. And he lays on the apology thick. You know those ones where the only option left is for the other person to say "it's ok". Yeah, that one. The client calms down, you can see the gauge falling, like when you switch off the car and they tumble smoothly from loss of potency (or even like how someone walks in on you when you're 'busy' and you go all flacid.

Then he proposes measures to take to ensure that it's convenient for everyone to meet without inconveniencing each other. Then he explains his lateness. The client is happy. The meeting starts.

I'm almost sure the meeting couldn't have taken off with those two going for each others' throats.

I have to say, my boss has it in him. I like my boss. He bought me a sandwich too.

And I like my housemate too for buying 20 litres of fuel for me.....or rather, on my behalf..... since I have to pay him back COG. I can breath easy.

Lesson learnt. Humility is not embarrassing if its tactful. And you need humility in business. Even the shrewdest  businessman sucks up, a lot.

I'm left wondering if I have what it takes to make it big, in business. Can't I just buy some real estate on the moon and retire to making myself sandwiches?

Random thought - I know what blogging is - its talking to random people about topics you're passionate about oblivious, in most cases, to the reaction of their audience. Kinda like what street preachers do.

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Immortality

I’m currently reading Ramses the Great by Anne Rice. She’s a favourite author, in the top ranks with Colleen McCullough, she of the “First Man in Rome” fame. In this novel she deviates from her vampire/witches chronicles but predictably, the concept of the immortal still permeates this book.

The book centers around Ramses, once and always famed mighty pharaoh of Egypt, who gained the secret of immortality. Entombed of his own will for 2000 years he is revived by an archeologist who defies the curse on his “tomb”.

I love paradoxes and this book has plenty.

The first thing he sees in the process of being revived is the murder of an innocent. An act of sheer greed. What a ‘welcome back’ message from humanity.

Then, despite being in the “information age” he learns that the world’s history is a collection of errors. Truly history is not only written by the victor as is so readily said but also coloured by the prejudices of latter generations.

And despite having almost magical inventions and awe-inspiring technological advances, society still grapples with poverty and the poor. Clearly time hasn’t cured humanity of its shortcomings, or the world of its humanity, whichever the greater evil may be.

Immortality does not also do justice for the soul. Ramses the Great, or Ramsey, stands up after two millennia of slumber only to fall in love. This time with less than a queen. His second inspiration is revenge – noble as the quest for justice against the murderer of an innocent may be, this remains, in my view – a most crippling emotion.

Immortality has always fascinated me. The Good Book says God has “set eternity in the hearts of men”. But also close to my heart is a post-apocalyptic world – a world without humanity. Oh, such bliss, such serenity - who can dare say I do not have the heart of a romantic?

Random thought - No, this is not a book review. Mummy.

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Conspiracy

Lordy. Today I was crippled for two hours.

First, I'm running low on fuel, two traffic builds up as people rush to fuel stations. It takes me a blistering hour to cover a journey that takes ten to fifteen minutes. Then I can't fuel coz.....well, that's where all the traffic is headed. Then I get home and no lights, and I'm out of credit.

Then the ATM decides I should save and not spend by denying me my dues. I go back home to deal with my misery and my phone is running out of charge. I turn to the long-battery-life "Ippy" and it's at 25% - two and a half hours worth. So I decide to continue reading my current novel - Ramses, the Damned by Anne Rice. Guess what, I'd synced the iPad with a fresh install of iTunes and my novels are all gone. All of them. I'm as damned as Ramses, not as old though, but with the same passion for immortality (Remind me to discuss immortality one of these days, I have a thought or two on the subject).

Depression. Home alone with no lights, no charge, no credit, no novel, no fuel, no food and no money. Times you wish you'd made the move on that Neighbour a long time ago.

Most of these are resolved now. But it left me wondering at how dependent we are on volatile things. I guess this is where family comes in handy. Should I get married? Not yet, I've downloaded mahjong in case that happens again. Nice try tho.

Random thought. Screw you for outing me. Screw you, and a threesome too.

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Blogs?

Wikipedia says a blog (a blend of the term web log) is a type of website or part of a website. Blogs are usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.

Blogger.com says A blog is a personal diary. A daily pulpit. A collaborative space. A political soapbox. A breaking-news outlet. A collection of links. Your own private thoughts. Memos to the world. ..... whatever you want it to be. There are millions of them, in all shapes and sizes, and there are no real rules.

The point of all these definitions is that no one should question whats in a blog........unless they do it in a blog. That part of "whatever you want it to be" allows me to.

Anyway, my contention is that I find no value in your blog if its mere rantings. Give me your thoughts about something, however random, but once you make it "days of your lives" then I don't think its wise to pay attention. Nausea, by definition, is not appealing.

Having said all that, I think I approve of the use of blogs as emotional vents. If it reduces the psychological instability of the populace then great.

So here's my vent for the day. If being used makes you useful, why does it feel so damn lame? And are we allowed to be deliberately less useful or is purpose the sum total of our lives?

Random thought. I can post in blue. Vertigo is such a delightfully thrilling feeling.

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Familiarity breeds contempt

How true.


Yes, that's the totality of this post. The saying, and a confirmation of my belief in its truth.


Random thought? Not so random today. People need to stop having serious expectations.

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Random musings

Today I'm feeling melancholic. Why? Maybe it's abba, Michael Jackson and Elton John's fault.


Humans are by nature social beings. We can't stand being alone. And it's a tall order at times since we can be alone even in a crowd. The desire to associate, and be associated with is not quenched my mere physical proximity. I used to be better at this. I used to watch movies all alone and get lost in my thoughts of a world not anything like this, and even in that world I'd be alone. Alone but respected, admired and loved. Can't do that anymore. Always itching for company. Crap. Crap crappity crap.


On a less sad note, I started this sentence not knowing how I was going to end it. I suspect I'll become really good at thinking on my feet one day. Introducing created topics flawlessly. I hope it won't coincide with the loss of my innocence, my deeply rooted hate for lying.


Apart from "sacrifice" and "can you feel the love tonight", I've forwarded through Elton John's songs. His songs define melancholy.


Glass and black. Transparency and opaqueness. I like the contradiction. Just wait until I'm rich enough to hire an interior designer and still have money left over to buy what she recommends. Yes, must be a she. Don't ask why.

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Judges without verdict

One day I'll write a post without the words 'I' or 'me'. But not today. Me I'll write about something else.


Having said that, bad english grates me. Especially when it flaws good looks. If you look like rail track kill then I won't notice those errors. Flogging a dead horse? Ok, that's cruel. But seriously, it's a multistage process. First, looks. Then, posture, dressing and mannerisms followed by speech patterns and apparent intelligence. And it's a knockout type session.


Please note, I do not subscribe to the school of thought that people should only opine on topics which they have absolute command of. I think the concept of fair opinion counts. So forgive my many slip-ups, English is not native to me, it's the product of a system designed by lesser gods.


What does the world have against quiet people? I recently gave this some thought and this is my two cents on the matter (due to inflation, the aforementioned two cents may not be what they once were). Everyone judges, with brute efficiency we form opinions on things we have limited information about. And we proceed to act on presumptions and assumptions. And everyone is aware of this. It's why we dress up and learnt to speak and behave as we prefer to. Our preferences are dictated by our need to influence others opinion of ourselves.


So since we know others do it to us, and since we have a vested interest in the opinion formed, we itch to know how we've fared. Now here comes the connection. Quiet people don't betray their thoughts as readily as our benevolent-mouthed colleagues. So you know you've been judged, but don't know the verdict.


See how much a quiet person is distrusted in a crowd. It's akin to how a sober person is regarded by drunks. You feel observed n yet denied of a basic right, the right to open sentence. You subconsciously run a trial through your mind and unless your conscience is singed, the trial consumes you. Ish.


I like quiet people, they set everyone on edge and get them to quietly stew themselves.


Random thought - of late I've been mixing fruit juice and soda. What's that all about?

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Online diaries cum blogs

Thanks to my browser randomly crashing, I've lost a three paragraph post. Let me see if I can remember what I was on about.


First, something about not making this an online diary followed by a recap of the things I did yesterday and an oops about having just made this into a diary of a not so interesting personality. I mean, so I had a great wine evening, so some young but legal ones came to entertain us with not so traditional (actualy rather swaggerific) dance. So I got into bed at 6. Right about here came the oops.


Moving on to the more substantial observation. Social media has brought out innate human traits. I think this is what the good book calls the pride of life. The desperate desire to ensure our peers are aware of even minuscule social achievements. I suppose that's what made Facebook and twitter what they are today. Why tell one when you can broadcast to all. I say we need a CCK license to have Facebook and twitter accounts.


Random thought - Insipid. Cuddle. Liver. Don't ask.

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5 months later

So much for regular blog posts. Told you I have a problem expressing myself.

Why am I here? Because one Silas asked me to join the world of bloggers and I got incensed by the fact that all my friends blogs consist of emotional vents against the perceived unfairness of life, and similar tantrums.

PS, I use commas a lot. Frequently erroneously, I'm sure. Bite me.

So here I am, venting against bloggers who use their blogs to vent. Conforming to the social norm. One Nelly would be so proud of my new found link with the rest of homo-sapia.

Oh, i love the shell of the person who got me started on this again, very well done. I hope it won't crumble any time soon.

Random though - There and back again, a hobbits tale.

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Thanksgiving

So apparently today is Thanksgiving. What do I have to be thankful for? Many things. For one, health, life, presence of mind, family, friends, support systems, and some sense of direction in life i.e, the things that sustain. More on this.

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I have a lot of emotional road blocks

Without trying to fully understand exactly what that means, I will have a temporary moment of opening up. Temporary because I do not believe that it is the appropriate thing to do in most circumstances. However, for personal reasons which I will allude to here I have chosen to “open up” for just a while. I believe every human being has emotions and these are as diverse as the human interactions that provoke them. In most instances these involve judging another’s actions based on your personal beliefs and values. The more divergent the views from the acts, the stronger the emotional reaction is.

As a detour and further insight into the workings of my mind, I communicate better in writing. Something about being able to rephrase your thoughts before communicating them.

Back to the train of thought - In this particular case, the statement appearing at the beginning  irks me. By the way, in case you think I tend to communicate in too structured and rigid a manner, that’s me. Accept it and stop trying to change me into a more socially chaotic person just so that you can have the satisfaction of seeing me as you’d think I ought to be. So people are out-going, others aren’t. Some freely express themselves while others prefer to have a more calculated approach to interactions. If you think that makes me sad and insecure, society allows you to think that but the thing is, I don’t care.

This is the way I am comfortable living. I have fun as well, and I enjoy myself. There are those who choose to be bitchy when they are not having a good time. I just choose to extricate myself from the circumstance if I can and if I cant I just put up with it. So what if I tell you? Chances are that you can’t help me. And chances are that if you can, I either don’t think its beneficial that you help me or I’ll be plain offended if you do. The bloody point is, quite trying to change what you don’t understand and appreciate it for what it is. If you think you understand me, the quit changing what I’m comfortable being into what you think proper. Who retired and made you God?

Ironically, while I appear to be busy defending my approach to social life, I am also in gross violation of my own canons. This is written with as few revisions as possible (in fact, only revisions for grammar and spelling) and represents one of the most chaotic expressions of my adult life. The only other most honest expression I have had is to my bosses which eventually got me a pay hike and changed their thinking on remuneration.

So yes, I can express myself to the point of defying social norms. I don’t have a problem expressing myself, you have a problem adapting to the fact that I’m judging you just like everyone else but I ain’t telling you shit about it. But don’t worry, I’m very open minded, leaving others to pursue their lives as they best know how but stopping every once in a while to tell them to stick it up somewhere if they cant respect who I choose to be.

Unlike a few other things in my life, if I was given a choice, I would not choose to be more expressive. I like who I am, at the very least, it puzzles a lot of people. Not that I really care too much about that. My greatest support for my way of emotional expression is that I am comfortable with it.

You ask how I get along with people who I have more than a casual social interest in. I don’t normally lower my barriers for them. My barriers help me keep people at a reasonable distance while I assess the merits and demerits of having them closer. One significant factor I look at is how disruptive they will be to the norm of the perfect symphony of existence I call my emotional life.

If you think that I’m hiding underlying psychological issues and insecurities, I have two answers. One, who isn’t? But more importantly, please feel free to tell me, I very much like hearing about myself so long as its on a one to one basis. Even criticism. Getting to see myself from someone else’s does so many things to me. For one, it helps me evaluate my own perspective of myself. Two, I just like hearing about myself and how problematic understanding me and accepting that you can’t change me can be. And third, it reveals your own internal conflicts which remind me just why I have chosen to be the way I am.

Eventually there are those who realize they can’t change me and try to live with me the way I am. I also have considerable difficulty accepting them for who they are but fortunately in most cases I don’t try to change them.

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First Post

This is new to me. I'm known not to express myself. I am known to calculate my responses to social interactions. Perhaps thats why I am known as cold. But I think my friends suspect otherwise. Let me start of by stating this - I am strange. I really dont know anyone else like me. I dont know anyone else the way I do me. Sure I play to typical psychological convention, but I like to think I don't play quite the same. For one, I communicate better in writing. And I'd like to share my perspectives on life matters with random anonymous others.

My topics will be random, they will be about anything I encounter that has me reflecting for more than a mere moment. I will try to be consistent, but I can offer no promises. This may be a stage that will pass, or this may be an avenue for discovering something within that has long eluded me. I will receive fair comment without judging the commentor, but I will also remove any I consider disruptive of the prevailing intention of this blog. I promise to try and write freely, without reservation and without more than grammatical and spelling revision.

I feel I must explain where this idea came from. It started with a comment "You have too many emotional barriers". This came from little more than a stranger, someone who's life has only been relevant in the two occassions I have met him. For some reason I felt compelled to explain. I normally don't. But after writing down a chaotic explanation (which I will share in a subsequent post), he declined to receive it. So what to do, another randomly named, password protected document in my computer? Nah, I decided it must be saved and shared on a more dynamic medium.

So thats me. And thats what this is. Now to set up privacy settings and post.

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