Games for Old People

Over a month. I'm cured. Sh*t, I'm here again.

To the point, I’ve been playing “how did you meet ‘this one’” with various friends and acquaintances and it got me thinking nothing can surprise me; I've had it all.

Sadly some stories are tragically short. Take for example this one:

– I met this one on facebook. One of us added the other, the other accepted, we met a few times, a friend may have been involved and VOILA, here we are.

Or I met this one on facebook too. One of us added the other, the other accepted, we met a few times, a friend of a friend may have been involved and VOILA, where are we? *remove 'friend'*

Or I met this one through a friend, a random happenstance off the streets of Nairobi and before I knew it, there was a friend request, an acceptance and VOILA.

Others are more interesting; like this one:

-I saw this one on facebook, liked the little I saw, sent a request so I could see more, liked most of what more I saw, hit on them like it'd been a while, met them, saw them kissing someone ugly and VOILA, here we are, and no further.

Or I stumbled on this one on the streets of Nairobi talking to a friend, double clicked the like button, did weird magical search things on facebook, found the profile and before long there was an adding, an accepting, a chasing, a catching, a living happily ever after limited edition, a breaking up, a brief awkwardness, a good getting along, and VOILA.

Or I met this one back then when there was only internet, before they became all up in your face in malls and shit, when there was little choice and before ‘the beautiful ones were born’; there was a meeting, a getting bored, a keeping in touch, a good getting along and VOILA, people throwing bff-shit our way.

Or I stumbled on this one in a mall, with a friend, was smitten but naïve, got a text the following day, got caught up in a love triangle the following weekend, was given a choice, made an even better choice, a there we were, a flying out, a getting pissed at the world and swearing ‘never again’, a keeping in touch, warm feelings, and VOILA, here we’re not.

Others are downright tragic; like these ones

-I met this one through the internet, I wasn’t moved one bit, a friend was involved, things got messy, I got me a stalker, I cut myself off from society, and VOILA, living in fear every day.

And I met this one, I fought the temptation to run, we talked, I rolled my eyes every time I blinked, it was over before long, I walked away and VOILA, I’m never looking back.

And I met this one through a dear friend, we got along like a pair of parrots, we hunted together, he got all the good ones I wanted, I got jealous, I got mad, I found an excuse, I didn’t talk to him for a year, I felt good, I accepted a friend request, and VOILA, I make sure to include ‘not interested in him” as part of my criteria for a good one.

And I met this one on mig, I liked, someone else got them first, I moved on, they were heart broken, I moved in to ‘console’, I got rejected, I looked at them again, sang best thing I never had inside, and VOILA, facebook chat once every few months.

And I met this one through a friend, I liked, was liked back, a friend was involved, I learnt I was confused, got even more confused, we did something silly together, we moved on and forgot, and VOILA, who the hell was I thinking about?

Looking back, all this teaches me one thing, never judge an “I met..” until you head “…and VOILA”.

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For no apparent reason I'll tell you what I've been watching of late. Steve Spielberg, mostly. He seems to have decided movies aren't the in thing, and that series are. So he has these interesting series out, the latest being Terra Nova. This one about a modern day community put in the middle of nowhere in the age of dinosaurs. Characteristic of him, he makes it not be all about dinosaurs. That man knows how to spin a tale.

Then of course Walking Dead has made a comeback. I find it to be the most captivating series this year. It's about this band of people surviving in a post apocalyptic earth trying to not be bitten by zombies. Such series have a place in my heart, wherever that one is.

I have an ulterior motive for saying all that, and I'll buy anyone lunch who can tell me what that motive is. And I promise not to cheat on that.

Anyway, I've just come from chatting with an idiot. I mean, can anyone be more transparent about their "hidden agenda"? I suspected their motive from hello. But I pretended to be the imbecile I'm not coz I had some spare time. Suffices to say I'm not interested in seeing that thru.

Oh, and over the last one month I think I've impressed myself by sticking to at least one resolve, that of not hitting on someone I'd otherwise be attracted to. And eventually they buckled, and I've still continued to ignore them. Why? Coz I can, and cause my ego doesn"t like repeat bruising.

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I think I'd like me if I met me!

If I met me, I think I'd like me. No, seriously. Thinking about it, I realize that I like me, objectively speaking. I'm almost exactly how I'd want me to be, and there's very little I'd change about myself. The little I'd like to change, is mostly what I can never change.

I'm not saying it would be a flawless encounter. No, I'm sure at first I'd be a little cautious, which I completely understand, of course. And then I would embark on a journey of discovery, self-discovery, you might say. And when I realize I've known enough about me to pierce the cold callous exterior, then I'd appreciate what I found underneath, and the need to protect it from the scalding touch of lesser mortals.

Oh yes, I think I'd like me, and I'd get along with me. I'd even understand my mood swings, and the need for some "me" time. Heck, I think I'd even love me, and with a few other considerations, I'd date me. Of course being a guy will have its complications, such as commitment issues to say the least. But love conquers all, doesn't it.

Maybe I'd judge myself too harshly, or demand too much of myself, but I'd understand why. And I would go a bit out of my way to accommodate myself because of it. I'd think I'd be a good friend to me, I'd be faithful, understanding without being suffocating and petty.

Sigh, it feels good to know I'd like myself if I met myself and had the chance to know myself.

PS, don't dare read any poetic strain in the post, it was not meant to be.

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Drugs are bad for you.

Which reminds me, jokes about vagina are just not funny. Period.

I had an exciting weekend in which I also got to think a lot about my life. Turns out that I'm chicken. The reason I didn't hit on someone I met was not because of principle, it was because I didn't have the guts and I was afraid of failure. Go figure (although to save face I must say the stakes were not nearly high enough).

But this blog is not about me, its about....., oh sh*t, it is about me.

For the third consecutive weekend I went for bowling. And in retrospect, turns out my score remains the same regardless of whatever state I'm in. But I think I should take a break, its getting boring already.

I'm planning yet another short vacation, and this time I must travel out of this city.

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Life Lessons

Your enemies rarely take you for granted. If they do, either you deserve it, or they won't be around much longer to take you for granted again. Your acquaintances rarely take you for granted. If they do, they are easily dismissed with the contempt they deserve.

Your friends on the other hand. They occupy that strategic place in your life which allows them the opportunity to take advantage of you. The ones who do it without knowing are both better and worse. They're better because they do it inadvertently, they're not making you a tool deliberately. They're worse because they don't understand the inevitable knee jerk reaction to being used. After long enough, you'll just have to snap, and they have the audacity to take offense. Few care enough (or have the acumen) to have multifaceted insight into the small conflicts that occur in society.

The ones who do it knowingly don't deserve the knee jerk reaction, they need instant reclassification. If you don't think that any of your friends can do this, you need only check out two areas of social interaction - mind games and back biting. There you'll find you culprits, devilishly gifted at disarming you with a smiling.

Thank God for relatives. Your relatives will almost always take you for granted, but that's what they're there for, they were pre-determined for the sole purpose of making sure that your friends taking you for granted doesn't come as a surprise.

Here's to not being surprised when friends take you for granted, and to us having the courage to do what we must, and to God, for giving us relatives to teach us a thing or two about how callous human beings can be.

No, I'm not writing this out of recent personal experience. And no, I'm also not purporting never to have made the mistake of expecting better from my friends. I'm just saying what's crossed my mind. Because I can.

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Bloctober

Ain't life just ironic?

I spent a few painful hours with two friends who were once love birds but have since found the inevitable differences. The tension in the air between them was palpable and tiring; eventually just had to separate for the sake of my Sunday. It all boils down to ego, I think. They're both too proud to make enough effort to get along with each other.

I don't blame them, my ego makes such socially awkward moments a case of black or white. We either get along and I recognize your existence or we don't get along and you're persona non grata. And its a bad thing, to be so damn unforgiving. Humans are not wired for that. Oh well, to each his own.

And they both spent countless minutes telling me how much the other is at fault. Sigh, I'm glad when I don't get along with someone, I don't go around saying how bad they are just so that by some chance they can hear that and make more effort to reconcile. If I don't get along with you, I just don't.

I sucked at bowling, a game about simple vectors. I normally don't suck, but the combination of alcohol and weird mix of company was disconcerting enough for my brains higher functions to be compromised.

I'll have an issue this week. I suspect I'll have to say no at some point, both to people dear to me and to myself. Bring it on, baby. I like the challenge of saying no.

Interesting month. I like.

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Wednesday Nightmares

I had a nightmare yesterday, actually a series of nightmares. But they weren’t nearly as scary as those in between moments when I was awake and checked facebook for current happenings. And no, Steve Jobs death did not scare me that much, in fact, the thought that someone else would beat me at coming up with clever witty jokes about that was more disturbing.

The source of my disconcertion was a news feed item that showed two people who recently became friends. One of these is the most psychotic person I know, as in I literary freak out every time I hear his name. And the reason for this is not my fault, mostly. When you have the kind of friends I have, finding your way into the most freakish situation is not very hard.

Anyway, I’ve been ignoring this person since before post election violence. I could brave commuting through the CBD during the height of the post election violence but I have not dared respond to the many attempts at reconciliation from this one individual.

The other one just has issues.

Both, at some point in knowing me, have wanted a piece of me, including wanting to cut out a large piece of me and watch me bleed to death. Ok, I exaggerate. But the point was, two vaguely distressing memories have converged into one anomalous association. I will wait with baited breath to see if a combined assault ensues.

Weeeeee shall, we shall not be moved (in a workers union singing voice).

Oh, Steve Jobs finally did something everyone alive now will have to do in their lifetime. He died. iTook a bite of that Apple once, and it wasn't bad, it wasn't bad at all.

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October - Final Lap

I’ve “drafted” a post that a friend inspired me to write. It covers that sensitive topic of things that only Oprah should hear, and even she should listen them backstage with her bodyguards on stand by. But I can tell a hating post while I write it and I’ve decided that I’m too nice for that sh*t.

You know, one interesting thing about blogging is unpredictability. Having chosen such a personal topic means I cannot predict what I will post about in the weeks to come. But this also keeps me on my toes in looking out for things I can talk about while at the same time making sure I don’t go the vain bitchy route.

I thank God for my friends. They come in all assortments and I can always find at least two people to identify with in any given scenario. It’s true that you attract what you exude. Figures why I know so few emotional wrecks, and the few I know don’t survive.

October is usually a hurried month for me, hurried but productive. Oh well, let me get to it.

PS: Today I remembered an old saying - "Small minds discuss people. Average Minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas". Let us all examine ourselves (In a preacher-like tone).

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Again?

I've changed my url again. You see, unlike you, I don't have trouble finding my blog, I don't need to cram urls. I just log into blogger and I have all the links that I need.

I did it because I like the new url more that I liked the old one, not out of the need to dodge y'all. I mean, aren't you, inexorably, here?

I however think that this url will give me more drama than the other one. But then again, that wasn't the intention, just an acceptable collateral effect.

Enjoy, I know I will.

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Ode to my Crazy

Dear Child,

If I had a trophy cabinet, you'd not be in it. It would be for trophies, not wrapping or filler. When you're playing games, you have to be willing to accept a win or a loss, but you need the intelligence to know what constitutes a win and what doesn't. If you had what it takes to play chess well enough, you might (emphasis on the existence of possibility not on the presence of probability) have picked up that part of strategy is predicting reaction. In other words, you manipulate the player, not just the game pieces. I fear that analogy is too complex to explain in writing, and I have since lost the tolerance for your mediocre acts of playing grown-up. Also, I understand that your upbringing has made you comfortable with the role of victim, but comparing yourself to an actual victim cannot be the only way to establish your identity. Of course I care, which is why I'm discussing this on a blog about the things in life that don't matter rather than updating my status in a vague but remotely suggestive manner (I suspect there is some semantic redundancy in that statement but I don't care enough to confirm). Petty and pathetic. You'd think there wasn't more to life. Delayed reaction to rejection? I guess everyone has their own way of coping. And another thing, the whole idea behind threats is the question - what are you going to do? I am completely and utterly intimidated. This is a very interesting topic but I'm yawning too much already. I've always thought that you were a perpetrated fraud, every facet of  your being desperately cultured to reflect the lie that you are more than you actually are. If you have any doubts, take a moment to compare your thoughts late at night with your statements in broad daylight. Classic case of form without substance.

Yours faithfully,
I-care-so-much-what-you-think Do-your-worst

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Forever Unbowed

Now y'all know I don't do convention. I mean, this blog is about the unimportant things in life, not the things that matter. It's about the small peculiar things in life that catch my attention but have nothing to do with posterity, or with the bigger picture. But this one I must comment about.

Those of you who know me know that there is a severe shortage of shits coming from me especially about emotional stuff. I'm an expert move-oner. I get angry, sad and confused just like any human being but I quickly rationalize why I'm feeling that way, decide on some logical course of action and move the freak on. Cheers to the freaking weekend, right?

But I came as close to tears today when I learnt that we've lost one of the most (for now I'm leaving it open that there is someone more deserving of the superlative) respectable women Kenya has known. Professor Wangari Maathai. I'm told she was 71, and yet she was so full of life.

I guess that's what makes for life, isn't it? Living for a cause bigger that yourself. They say you have not started living until you have found a cause you are willing to die for. I completely agree, despite the fact that I'm as devoid of such a cause as I suspect you are. What is life but motions and emotions if we do not live for something that will survive our mortality? Isn't this life that we hold so dear nothing more than what the good book says - whisps of smoke which are readily dispersed by the winds of time.

I respect parents for that one reason. They dedicate (some less adequately so) their lives or a part of their lives to generate something that will survive them. Parenting (or just sex and it's consequences) having defied billions, nay countless, deaths to result in 6 billion lives, ATM (I really wanted to use the word "circa" somewhere but I guess I'm not that good, yet).

Back to the Prof. Nothing is as inspiring to me as defiance of the norm. Her book "Unbowed" for instance, I haven't read it, but I've read about it and can imagine the kind of stuff she's written in it. The topic, however, says it all. I mean, isn't that the epitome of defiance, rivaled only by my perennial insistence on stirring anti-clockwise?

Now get me right, I don't think she was perfect. I have previously raised the question of human perfection with Mother Theresa herself so Prof certainly can't cut it. In fact, now that I think about it, I would have one or two questions for the Virgin Mary. I won't blaspheme by questioning her virginity prior to the holy birth, but I'm sure she did have one or two issues to her name at some point.

I remember long ago watching a movie about Ghandi. I actually cried at his defiance - refusing, on pain of death to resort, to violence. The irony of course being that he also left a side legacy of battering his wife but lets not get into that.

I teared up when I went to the Kigali Genocide Memorial Center, not because of the atrocious acts of human being which I am perfectly acquainted with, but with the selfless acts of a few. The story of people who jeorpadized their own lives to save others, and of tremendous acts of selflessness (emotional overload + limited language = redundant expressions). I recall reading about this unarmed one who faced off many armed men pursuing a women - he beat them back by quoting this one phrase from the Talmud "Save one soul and you save the entire world". I had to leave my colleagues so as to sit and fight back the tears at that point.

So I cry for Professor, not because she's gone, because we all will go, but because while she was here she defied life and the norms it seeks to shove down ours. I mean, I just watched a youtube video interview of her talking about the story of the humming bird - of sacrificial devotion to a cause which on the face of it appears lost.

I will defy life, until death I will defy its conforming power.


As a by the way, I have to say, in addition to my views of human beings being a viral cancer on our planet, being completely vain and typical, I have recently had cause to add petty and pathetic to that list. And to that I say, I remain yours, the Unbowed!!!

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Late Year Mutations

Alcohol on a Sunday night, heart to heart talk with a friend, chatting up someone I met on the streets and late night blogging. This is trouble.

I believe in love, true love, but not that fairy tale shit. I believe that two human being can spend their entire lives for each other, complimenting each other in ways that words cannot capture. But I don't believe that it happens often. I believe that typical love stories are few, and those few are marred with issues that fortunately never face public scrutiny. And thats the whole idea behind true love, properly managed public relations.

I believe that most people settle for less. That whole shit about loving someone despite their flaws is just another way of saying, I can't possibly do better so let me make the best of you.

And most people think I'm a pessimist in this (and many other regards) and I consider myself a realist. I mean, find me a couple who's never argued? Couples that last argue continously. But they have the tenacity to make it work. Unlike me. I've only argued (and I use that word lightly) once with both of my exes. And it was that argument that sowed the seed of the end. I'm damagingly unforgiving. Something about no giving shits just in case they ain't ever given back.

Anyway, I have to sleep now. I will complete this thought some other time.

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Social Dilemma

Do you know there's a dilemma about how to spell dilemma? Is it dilemma or dilemna? I've always known that it was dilemna without question and now I'm told that I'm wrong with a consolation that I'm not alone. Anyway, this is irrelevant.

I've been presented with yet another opportunity to make a meaningful social relationship out of someone I met a while ago. And I will squander it. You see, those of you who don't have gut instincts can never know how compelling these can be. My guts rarely ever lead me wrong. Two years back I'd have said without fear of contradiction that my gut instincts have NEVER led me wrong. Time has made me wiser. But statistically, my guts tend to know more than my rational self. And my guts tell me that there is something amiss in the set up I've been presented with this time.

Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing overtly wrong with this person, nothing my mind can wrap itself around anyway. But I get the feeling that the facade is not a long term facade. We're all vain, but human decency demands that we must be consistent with our pretenses. Character is just what pretenses we are willing to defy time and chance over. Ok, in this I admit I am hopelessly pessimistic. In fact, I'm so pessimistic that I think I'm being a realist.

Anyway, a friend of mine says he's watching this like a soap opera. I guess I'll also wait to see how it concludes. Will they get married and live happily ever after? F*ck no, it's not that kind of a soap. Why is it that people have difficulty believing I can make an effort to establish a platonic friendship?

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Blog Dilemma

Almost every single time I think of a topic to discuss here, I realize that someone else has discussed it recently. It feel so un-original to give my own views except on a relatively virgin topic. I mean, even looking back I cannot find a single topic which had not already been discussed by other people before I posted. But really, isn't what makes anything interesting the fact that we can all relate to it and have similar and maybe only slightly divergent views on it? And who do I think I am to come up with an absolutely new topic for discussion? I guess I'm feeling the pressure of aversion to the typical, more specifically, to being typical.

Sigh. For the first time I feel real pressure to end this blog while I'm still ahead. And no, this has nothing to do with the avalanche of bloggers in my social circle (all of whom, and I say this with a pained ego, seem to have found far more relevant things to talk about). It has everything to do with assured quality, in a sense I feel as though I am not ISO certified to do this. I was never an interesting topic to begin with, and while almost everything I can think of tickles my fancy, my sense of humour diminishes rapidly once communicated, in speech first then in writing - to put it another way, things are way funnier when I'm thinking about them, only slightly funny when I say then and downright boring when I write them down.

Is it a potential I should try to work on rather than kill? I don't think so. The financial consideration does not match up to the opportunity cost. For those of us who do not have a single bone of art, literary creations are a pain in the nether regions - the sehemu nyeti's of the psyche. And the end benefits to me (yes, like every other human being I'm inherently selfish, looking at what I can get out of life, rather then what I can give to it) are uncertain at best and otherwise mundane.

I won't let you know if I'm leaving. I won't say goodbye. I won't look back hoping to see regret in your eyes. I will walk away, with my chin held up and my lips curled into a smile. That's just me, and the few who have tried to change me have left frustrated.

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Splurt splurt, I'm out!!!

Excerpts from potential posts I could have developed...

1. There I was, all prepped up and ready to do battle with my keyboard, to hunt through sites and links and search engines to get to that one coveted site that I recently heard about, ready to burn the midnight oil and take countless cups of coffee in a effort to keep the demons of sleep from taking shape, and then, poof, I found it. Without effort, without strain and even the bleakest hint of mental exertion I found the link to it. And to seal the deal, irony determined that I found it to be utterly irrelevant to my then very paralyzing desire. No, kind sir, this is not a quest for the perfect porn clip, I was just looking for an acquaintance's blog....

2. I played Oprah today, trying to reconcile two irrevocable warped personalities, both smirking with pride and ego. It didn't work. I don't understand people well enough. I can't manipulate people as well as I would like to. Sigh, if only this world was like a PS2, I'd have grown tired of it and switched it off.....

3. Epiphany. No, nothing related to constipation as first thoughts would suggest. I finally know how world war  III is going to start. Everyone's inbox threads and texts on every social network are going to become publicly available to their friends (and enemies). My goodness, you know the bible does say there will be silence in heaven for half a hour during the end time? I betcha it's coz everyone will be reading and getting emotional thrust for heinous acts of revenge. Grievous bodily harm will be the order of the day. What else can the bible mean when it says "brother against brother, friend against friend" (that one is paraphrased coz I don't have my bible handy and I don't feel like opening a whole new tab just to Google a bible verse for your heatheny asses)....

4. You know why I remove people from my online list? It's because every once in a while, I forget why I chose not to talk to you and then I open your chat window and type a big "HELLO" before facebook has the sense to load previous conversations. I hope to Blog that you didn't have the window open and Facebook all so gossiply tells you that I'm typing. Most of the time my mind and reflexes keep me from hitting the enter key before I realize the error of my ways. I wonder what I'd say if I remember my problem with you after sending you a hello and a smiley to boot....

It's not that I don't have inspiration, its that I have that condition which, if it was to be applied to bedroom performance, would be the source of serious social stigma. You know what I'm talking about......if not, take IQ classes and re-read the post topic. Sigh, I'll do this the corporate way and set up a committee to investigate the way forward.

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The Adonis Factor

That's the title of a documentary I've just watched. It's about appreciation of male beauty, essentially how vain the "stronger" sex has become. Interesting piece that was screaming just one thing at me - VANITY!!! Human being are vain and must be destroyed.

Anyway, I saw this bit about nude yoga. I have no idea how that fitted into the whole documentary but it reminded me that a dear friend of mine once posted about life in the nude. Now that's something my whole being will never come to appreciate. Life in the nude is objectionable enough without bending in all manner of exposing positions and postures.

The whole concept of being exposed in public does not augur well with me. Not to mention that I grew up, actually have lived until recently, with the utmost sense of self consciousness about my body. And before we even get to my insecurities, the whole health and security issue about things dangling everywhere does not bother you? It bothers me much, and the breeze does not make up for the visual offense. I may not have a bone of art in me but I appreciate beauty, and notice the lack of it especially if its my face. And I cannot imagine that beauty, or lack of it, assaulting me raw. Think of the ugliest least beautiful person you know and imagine them naked (now go puke and come back to finish the post). Like y'all I'm a sensitive soul, there's only so much I can take.

I mean, being naked is such a small part of our lives, ain't it? I'm only naked in the shower and while "doing it", the former for a few minutes once a day and the latter for hopefully a few more minutes once a much-longer-period-depending-on-the-weather. I don't even sleep in the nude so I cannot contemplate living in the nude, AT ALL.

Having said that, there's some aesthetic value in partial nudity. You know, someone naturally (or artificially so long as we don't notice) beautiful dressing scantily, not from lack but deliberately and fashionably. In fact, that's a factor that I think is creeping into fashion, but I'm sure you'll find better blogs on that. But most of us sneak peaks at those underwear pictures and it ain't the fabric that's caught our attention.

Sigh, a shot of vodka in a whole glass of apple juice is not bad for a week night, is it? Especially when I'm thinking of taking the day off tomorrow, right?

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Why We All Die

Ok, that's a misleading topic, but I got you reading.

A few minutes ago I got an epiphany and now have incredible wisdom to share on life's most pertinent problems. Why are politicians so annoying? Why are lawyers so crooked? Why are blogs filled with such pain, despair, frustration and other negative emotions? And why don't I like humanity in general?

You see, any activity that appeals to the general public or a section of the public is bound to play to its whims. Politicians have no choice but to appeal to the public, and the masses are not known to posses a collectively high IQ, ergo politicians have to be, or act stupid. Lawyers cater to the less law abiding in society, and in the process they pick up more than a few inappropriate habits. Blogs have to constantly appeal to the readers, and the readers are avid consumers of gossip and emotionally unhinged musings. You disagree? Join a support group or start a blog about it.

Anyway, the reason for this epiphany is that I have realized the posts that more appeal to the readers are those that either spread gossip, or expose a psychological problem with the author. I mean, do you really want to read about my opinion on any topic or just the juicy ones?

Sigh. I feel as though I am out of my depth with blogging. Perhaps I should change the url to make it anonymous and then start putting some really personal shit up. Or maybe I should just stop caring about you long enough to post what I damn well feel like posting. Maybe I should do shorter posts. Or maybe I should spend my time coming up with a scheme to be really rich and then you'll all read my posts coz I'm rich, not because the blog is entertaining.

That's a lot of maybes for a Tuesday morning.

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Bucket List tries X

I've been working on my bucket list for the last 2 weeks and I haven't been able to get past 5. Isn't there an unwritten rule somewhere that they should be at least 11? Is the lack of progress a sign that I am lacking in ambition? Should I Google a few bucket list items? Did the chicken successfully cross that darn road?

Don't get your hopes up. I will not provide you with these answers just yet.

Like every other person person, immortality appeals to me. So I had an Un-Dorian Gray portrait done. The "Un" is because it has the reverse effect, I age and it doesn't. Oh well, it was the best I could do under the circumstances. I digress.


So anyway, here;s what I have so far....
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.
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There's this list that people come up with basically of things that they feel the need to do before they kick the proverbial "bucket". This takes some thought since its essentially a balance between portraying myself as completely lacking in ambition and ensuring that "my reach does not exceed my thrust". Speaking of which, isn't that phrase the most comical or is my sense of humour just twisted as usual? I mean, the phrase is simply "bark worse than bite" which essentially means reputational ambition - form without substance, but everytime I hear that phrase, all I can think of is this dude who pushes himself to his limit and barely manages to get his thing to reach, but maxes out and can't follow up with a consequential thrust. Ok, I digress.

My bucket list currently reads thus:

1. Go up in a hot air balloon - I know, doesn't sound crazy but keep in mind I have a fear of heights. They say the bigger they are, the harder they fall, and its public knowledge that I pack a big one - ego that is. That other one is barely average by today's standards.

2. Sky dive - an extreme follow up of the former but with a life or death angle. I mean, I'll be facing my fear just like in the hot air balloon but in reverse order where incremental exposure to the source of my is replaced by sudden exposure to it. The reason I think I can do it is because I need to make the decision only once, and I bet my ego can kick me out of that plane and let gravity claim its rightful vengeance on my body. Whether or not I pull that cord is where the life and death choice comes in, my ego will bail and sheer survival instincts will kick in and thrust my reflexes into overdrive. Sorry, am I boring you? Switch to the facebook tab and update about it, why don't you.

3. Own german technology - and by this I don't mean buy a Volkswagen polo, I mean one of those mean-ass BMW or Merc engines which can get me to 200kph and still allow me to breath normal. Say a 335i or a E320. And not just own it and drive it, but for once, just once, do 200kph. I suppose I should add "even if its the last thing I do" coz on Kenyan roads, it might be. I know, knock on wood. And at the thought of accomplishing this bucket list, I don't need to go far to get wood.

4. Design and build my own home. I have mad design ideas, including hidden rooms, secret passages, surveillance systems that would rival CIA's, dedicated rooms (like one lined with mirrors walls, ceiling and floor) and stuff I've pulled out from TV. It will be grand, I tell you.

5. Find love. I know you're shocked but I have to confess I'm not perfect. And I do not mind the idea of 


5. Travel the world. In my itinerary are places like the Egypt pyramids, the Great Wall of China, Machu Pichu (not-so-lost city of the Incas), the Amazon and Antarctica, basically places which are not ordinary. If there was a tour service to the moon, I'd have it on the list.
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Hopefully one day, I'll have a proper bucket list. Wait, am I allowed to put that on my bucket list, or is that a redundant thought?

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A Lesson in Human Nature

Romans 7:15 "I  do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

Human nature is such that we do not readily accept our weaknesses, we seek to compensate for it, cover it or outrightly deny it, and yet, for some intriguing reason, history is filled with inspiring people who seem to have made peace with their weaknesses.

I will not add to that list.

Like every other mortal I walk around with a facade that my character, despite my sincerest efforts, I cannot match up to. This year has had one repetitive theme for me, that all of us are carefully (not so much so in some cases) self perpetuated frauds, masks, hollow facades, baseless forms of nothingness which we portray with irresponsible confidence. And it seems that I have not been spared as an example to myself.

I don't like lying to myself, but it seems I love a peaceful sleep more. Even this post is an attempt at pacifying myself, making peace with my demons, rather than expelling them with the revulsion that they deserve. I find insight but not comfort in the words of the good book, especially the words of David when he said "My sin is constantly before me".

And I am not talking of sin in the traditional sense, but rather falling short of ideals that are entrenched in my conscience by forces unknown (and infinitely unknowable), ideals that my conscious self holds dear but lacks the discipline to live up to.

What am I talking about? Well, just that sense, which occasionally rapes your otherwise most serene moments, that you're not, even in your own eyes, all that you're cut out to be, all that you pretend you are. I say you, but I mean me.

I've had a dream, for the first time in a long time with the genre of post-apocalyptic earth. I cannot remember the details, but even in my hazy recollection, I found solace in this, the destruction of the dominion of the parasite that is man and its elimination from an otherwise harmonious existence. Concurrently, I came to the realization that it is that same parasite which I so passionately would deny my ties to that gives meaning to everything else. Following swiftly on the heels of that realization is the acceptance, alluded to at the beginning of this post, that I am immensely like every lesser mind, full of fault.

I am neither suicidal nor do I harbour actual ill will to any individual mortal. Why I must clarify this, I have no idea.

On a matter of principle, and keeping up with the facade, I will not post this today. Are you confused? If yes, don't worry, so am I. If you aren't, don't worry either, I completely understand that we all find our masks protective and reassuring.

I feel like this was meant to be poetic, but I have no urge to attend to the superficiality of poetic forms.

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Failed Social Experiment

Lesbians are not as fun as they seem from far, they're so human. I had the chance to hang out with a bunch of them but I guess the mix was steeped not to work out too well for me.

I learnt one thing, where human being have differences and diversity, all these are based on the basic principles that make us human. Such as love, attraction and lust. I know, quite primal, but the list is inexhaustive.

I realise I'm inclined to enjoy the company of a select few, and no more. There was no incentive to talk to anyone, and this is in my house. So of course I called for social reinforcements.

The thing with me is that I don't pursue lost causes, I must have a reasonable expectation of victory for me to bother, and I honestly did not see myself having successful conversation with this group.

Well, that's one social experiment which I won't be repeating.

I need to do a post on the human capacity for evil. I visited the kigali genocide memorial and I was almost moved to tears, not by the sheer capacity for evil exhibited by the hutu but in most part by this statement said in the darkest hours of Rwanda - "save a single soul and you save the world entire". This was said by a person in the face of death. Staggering stuff. More on that in a separate post.

I can't hide discontent, I think my guests have noticed and might be making plans to leave, or maybe its not true, just wishful thinking. Oh well, I guess I'd better post and strategize their exit.

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