a lil more HATE!!! - Why I won't date you!

I'm single. And that seems to be a problem with some people. Am I aiming too high? Am I too choosy? Maybe. But here are some reasons I won't date you:

This is a work of diction based on true stories. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the Droid’s memory or are used intentionally. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, boring or interesting, is hardly coincidental.

• You reek. I'm not sure if it's a hygiene issue or it's genetic. For the sake of whoever you settle down with, I hope it's not the latter which is immutable. But I'm not here to change people. So, no. Body odour is a chief factor in liking someone, it's never a first factor, but it's a deal breaker unless we're doing permanent long distance. Try cologne and see if it will work, but be sure to keep some under your pillow coz we tend to take deeper breaths in the morning.
• Your breath smells. Here's another killer unless we mutually agree not to kiss or be up close. I'm sorry but I don't want to cringe right before deciding to have a romantic moment. I can only hold my breath for 1 minute before passing out, and even during that one minute, I still get wafts of whatever if left over after the bacteria are through with your lunch. Do you know bad breath actually has a taste? Don't ask how I know but you can rest assured it's not a good taste.
• You're ugly. I like horror movies just like the next guy, heck, maybe even a little more than the next guy, but definitely not when I first open my eyes in the morning. I want to be able to say you're the apple of my eye, not the acacia tree in my face. I'm sorry, and you can't sue you parents any more than fat people can sue McDonalds (Kenchic/Steers - pick one and stick to it).
• You're clingy. I feel like I'm pregnant, with a little one demanding my every attention and growing heavier by the minute. ABORT!!! I need space. And battery charge too so stop texting, calling and inboxing every freaking hour. Absence makes the heart grow fonder so this weekend ain't looking good, in fact, my diary is all filled up will August......next year. I like attention, but get a pet........or vaseline.
• You're socially awkward. No, seriously, I'm afraid to be seen with you. You may be really good in the sack, but I wish you'd carry all of them peculiar habits in one when I'm with you elsewhere. Those days of crouching under tables in restaurants wondering who might know me there were exciting but I miss my dignity.
• Who's your daddy? I'm sorry but I don't need any help spending my money. I'm not really that desperate to buy you a drink, and no, I won't chaperon you to the club either. You'd happily sleep with me? Oh, sorry dear, I don't do that. If I did, I'd prefer a cash and carry basis, barter trade is so 1808!
• You're old. I'm sorry but I heard wrinkles are not good for my skin, so I don't like coming into contact with them, or looking at them for extended periods. Thanks for the interest though, I'm sure we'd have so many interesting socia-political discussions together. Hey, did you ever meet Darwin? There's a quote of his I love but I can't remember how it goes. (I'm so going to read this with regret years from now)
• You don't know what you want. From the type/list of people I see you dying to be around, you must either be settling for less or overshooting your goal with me. You'll make me happy for an hour, I'll make you miserable for 23, if I'm lucky. Do your social experiments, figure out what shoe fits best, then stay the hell away from me.
• You're brain dead. I'd like to speak my mind without eliciting a blank stare and drool from you. When I'm close to someone, I like speaking, and speaking my mind at that. If we're seated in the living room not speaking, and its not your first time there, you're in the wrong room.
• You're a corpse. Sex with you feels like necrophilia, move around a little, moan something, change your facial expression - pretend to be alive. If I'm quiet after that, I'm most likely wondering how the hell you got here. And if I'm looking at my hands, I'm just wondering what you can do that they can't.
• You have the personality of a deer formerly in headlights - where the headlights were of a subaru with a compromised braking system. We probably met in a noisy place where your dance moves and facial expression were remotely appealing. I can safely assure you that this is the last time we're meeting, and that's not a good backdrop to beginning a relationship.
• You're loose. You may need to wear a diaper in a few years, but for now, you probably walk around with a pose to flatter your ASSets and truncate the last vowel of all swahili words. Or you may be an uptowner with psychological issues best dealt with in the sack. I'm sure you're a reservoir of skill, but I like my 'meat' rare, not well done.
• You're shady. A village goodbye ceremony preceded your coming to the city, and you had a neckache the first few nights from looking at 13 storey buildings. I spent my first few years in the outskirts of Nairobi (albeit in another province) but I do insist on a minimum level of sophistication - I'm vain like that. In exceptional circumstances I will forgive an accent, but I have white friends too and I'd not like to have to act as interpreter.
• You're fat.
• You're a child. I like them young, but could you look like a teenager without acting and sounding like, [or being] one? I don't want to feel like I'm babysitting, and I don't want to think of you every time I'm discussing with my married colleagues about "children nowadays".

I'm not through hating, but I'm bored with this post already, and I think you may also be getting there.

Posted in: