Again?

I've changed my url again. You see, unlike you, I don't have trouble finding my blog, I don't need to cram urls. I just log into blogger and I have all the links that I need.

I did it because I like the new url more that I liked the old one, not out of the need to dodge y'all. I mean, aren't you, inexorably, here?

I however think that this url will give me more drama than the other one. But then again, that wasn't the intention, just an acceptable collateral effect.

Enjoy, I know I will.

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Ode to my Crazy

Dear Child,

If I had a trophy cabinet, you'd not be in it. It would be for trophies, not wrapping or filler. When you're playing games, you have to be willing to accept a win or a loss, but you need the intelligence to know what constitutes a win and what doesn't. If you had what it takes to play chess well enough, you might (emphasis on the existence of possibility not on the presence of probability) have picked up that part of strategy is predicting reaction. In other words, you manipulate the player, not just the game pieces. I fear that analogy is too complex to explain in writing, and I have since lost the tolerance for your mediocre acts of playing grown-up. Also, I understand that your upbringing has made you comfortable with the role of victim, but comparing yourself to an actual victim cannot be the only way to establish your identity. Of course I care, which is why I'm discussing this on a blog about the things in life that don't matter rather than updating my status in a vague but remotely suggestive manner (I suspect there is some semantic redundancy in that statement but I don't care enough to confirm). Petty and pathetic. You'd think there wasn't more to life. Delayed reaction to rejection? I guess everyone has their own way of coping. And another thing, the whole idea behind threats is the question - what are you going to do? I am completely and utterly intimidated. This is a very interesting topic but I'm yawning too much already. I've always thought that you were a perpetrated fraud, every facet of  your being desperately cultured to reflect the lie that you are more than you actually are. If you have any doubts, take a moment to compare your thoughts late at night with your statements in broad daylight. Classic case of form without substance.

Yours faithfully,
I-care-so-much-what-you-think Do-your-worst

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Forever Unbowed

Now y'all know I don't do convention. I mean, this blog is about the unimportant things in life, not the things that matter. It's about the small peculiar things in life that catch my attention but have nothing to do with posterity, or with the bigger picture. But this one I must comment about.

Those of you who know me know that there is a severe shortage of shits coming from me especially about emotional stuff. I'm an expert move-oner. I get angry, sad and confused just like any human being but I quickly rationalize why I'm feeling that way, decide on some logical course of action and move the freak on. Cheers to the freaking weekend, right?

But I came as close to tears today when I learnt that we've lost one of the most (for now I'm leaving it open that there is someone more deserving of the superlative) respectable women Kenya has known. Professor Wangari Maathai. I'm told she was 71, and yet she was so full of life.

I guess that's what makes for life, isn't it? Living for a cause bigger that yourself. They say you have not started living until you have found a cause you are willing to die for. I completely agree, despite the fact that I'm as devoid of such a cause as I suspect you are. What is life but motions and emotions if we do not live for something that will survive our mortality? Isn't this life that we hold so dear nothing more than what the good book says - whisps of smoke which are readily dispersed by the winds of time.

I respect parents for that one reason. They dedicate (some less adequately so) their lives or a part of their lives to generate something that will survive them. Parenting (or just sex and it's consequences) having defied billions, nay countless, deaths to result in 6 billion lives, ATM (I really wanted to use the word "circa" somewhere but I guess I'm not that good, yet).

Back to the Prof. Nothing is as inspiring to me as defiance of the norm. Her book "Unbowed" for instance, I haven't read it, but I've read about it and can imagine the kind of stuff she's written in it. The topic, however, says it all. I mean, isn't that the epitome of defiance, rivaled only by my perennial insistence on stirring anti-clockwise?

Now get me right, I don't think she was perfect. I have previously raised the question of human perfection with Mother Theresa herself so Prof certainly can't cut it. In fact, now that I think about it, I would have one or two questions for the Virgin Mary. I won't blaspheme by questioning her virginity prior to the holy birth, but I'm sure she did have one or two issues to her name at some point.

I remember long ago watching a movie about Ghandi. I actually cried at his defiance - refusing, on pain of death to resort, to violence. The irony of course being that he also left a side legacy of battering his wife but lets not get into that.

I teared up when I went to the Kigali Genocide Memorial Center, not because of the atrocious acts of human being which I am perfectly acquainted with, but with the selfless acts of a few. The story of people who jeorpadized their own lives to save others, and of tremendous acts of selflessness (emotional overload + limited language = redundant expressions). I recall reading about this unarmed one who faced off many armed men pursuing a women - he beat them back by quoting this one phrase from the Talmud "Save one soul and you save the entire world". I had to leave my colleagues so as to sit and fight back the tears at that point.

So I cry for Professor, not because she's gone, because we all will go, but because while she was here she defied life and the norms it seeks to shove down ours. I mean, I just watched a youtube video interview of her talking about the story of the humming bird - of sacrificial devotion to a cause which on the face of it appears lost.

I will defy life, until death I will defy its conforming power.


As a by the way, I have to say, in addition to my views of human beings being a viral cancer on our planet, being completely vain and typical, I have recently had cause to add petty and pathetic to that list. And to that I say, I remain yours, the Unbowed!!!

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Late Year Mutations

Alcohol on a Sunday night, heart to heart talk with a friend, chatting up someone I met on the streets and late night blogging. This is trouble.

I believe in love, true love, but not that fairy tale shit. I believe that two human being can spend their entire lives for each other, complimenting each other in ways that words cannot capture. But I don't believe that it happens often. I believe that typical love stories are few, and those few are marred with issues that fortunately never face public scrutiny. And thats the whole idea behind true love, properly managed public relations.

I believe that most people settle for less. That whole shit about loving someone despite their flaws is just another way of saying, I can't possibly do better so let me make the best of you.

And most people think I'm a pessimist in this (and many other regards) and I consider myself a realist. I mean, find me a couple who's never argued? Couples that last argue continously. But they have the tenacity to make it work. Unlike me. I've only argued (and I use that word lightly) once with both of my exes. And it was that argument that sowed the seed of the end. I'm damagingly unforgiving. Something about no giving shits just in case they ain't ever given back.

Anyway, I have to sleep now. I will complete this thought some other time.

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Social Dilemma

Do you know there's a dilemma about how to spell dilemma? Is it dilemma or dilemna? I've always known that it was dilemna without question and now I'm told that I'm wrong with a consolation that I'm not alone. Anyway, this is irrelevant.

I've been presented with yet another opportunity to make a meaningful social relationship out of someone I met a while ago. And I will squander it. You see, those of you who don't have gut instincts can never know how compelling these can be. My guts rarely ever lead me wrong. Two years back I'd have said without fear of contradiction that my gut instincts have NEVER led me wrong. Time has made me wiser. But statistically, my guts tend to know more than my rational self. And my guts tell me that there is something amiss in the set up I've been presented with this time.

Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing overtly wrong with this person, nothing my mind can wrap itself around anyway. But I get the feeling that the facade is not a long term facade. We're all vain, but human decency demands that we must be consistent with our pretenses. Character is just what pretenses we are willing to defy time and chance over. Ok, in this I admit I am hopelessly pessimistic. In fact, I'm so pessimistic that I think I'm being a realist.

Anyway, a friend of mine says he's watching this like a soap opera. I guess I'll also wait to see how it concludes. Will they get married and live happily ever after? F*ck no, it's not that kind of a soap. Why is it that people have difficulty believing I can make an effort to establish a platonic friendship?

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Blog Dilemma

Almost every single time I think of a topic to discuss here, I realize that someone else has discussed it recently. It feel so un-original to give my own views except on a relatively virgin topic. I mean, even looking back I cannot find a single topic which had not already been discussed by other people before I posted. But really, isn't what makes anything interesting the fact that we can all relate to it and have similar and maybe only slightly divergent views on it? And who do I think I am to come up with an absolutely new topic for discussion? I guess I'm feeling the pressure of aversion to the typical, more specifically, to being typical.

Sigh. For the first time I feel real pressure to end this blog while I'm still ahead. And no, this has nothing to do with the avalanche of bloggers in my social circle (all of whom, and I say this with a pained ego, seem to have found far more relevant things to talk about). It has everything to do with assured quality, in a sense I feel as though I am not ISO certified to do this. I was never an interesting topic to begin with, and while almost everything I can think of tickles my fancy, my sense of humour diminishes rapidly once communicated, in speech first then in writing - to put it another way, things are way funnier when I'm thinking about them, only slightly funny when I say then and downright boring when I write them down.

Is it a potential I should try to work on rather than kill? I don't think so. The financial consideration does not match up to the opportunity cost. For those of us who do not have a single bone of art, literary creations are a pain in the nether regions - the sehemu nyeti's of the psyche. And the end benefits to me (yes, like every other human being I'm inherently selfish, looking at what I can get out of life, rather then what I can give to it) are uncertain at best and otherwise mundane.

I won't let you know if I'm leaving. I won't say goodbye. I won't look back hoping to see regret in your eyes. I will walk away, with my chin held up and my lips curled into a smile. That's just me, and the few who have tried to change me have left frustrated.

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Splurt splurt, I'm out!!!

Excerpts from potential posts I could have developed...

1. There I was, all prepped up and ready to do battle with my keyboard, to hunt through sites and links and search engines to get to that one coveted site that I recently heard about, ready to burn the midnight oil and take countless cups of coffee in a effort to keep the demons of sleep from taking shape, and then, poof, I found it. Without effort, without strain and even the bleakest hint of mental exertion I found the link to it. And to seal the deal, irony determined that I found it to be utterly irrelevant to my then very paralyzing desire. No, kind sir, this is not a quest for the perfect porn clip, I was just looking for an acquaintance's blog....

2. I played Oprah today, trying to reconcile two irrevocable warped personalities, both smirking with pride and ego. It didn't work. I don't understand people well enough. I can't manipulate people as well as I would like to. Sigh, if only this world was like a PS2, I'd have grown tired of it and switched it off.....

3. Epiphany. No, nothing related to constipation as first thoughts would suggest. I finally know how world war  III is going to start. Everyone's inbox threads and texts on every social network are going to become publicly available to their friends (and enemies). My goodness, you know the bible does say there will be silence in heaven for half a hour during the end time? I betcha it's coz everyone will be reading and getting emotional thrust for heinous acts of revenge. Grievous bodily harm will be the order of the day. What else can the bible mean when it says "brother against brother, friend against friend" (that one is paraphrased coz I don't have my bible handy and I don't feel like opening a whole new tab just to Google a bible verse for your heatheny asses)....

4. You know why I remove people from my online list? It's because every once in a while, I forget why I chose not to talk to you and then I open your chat window and type a big "HELLO" before facebook has the sense to load previous conversations. I hope to Blog that you didn't have the window open and Facebook all so gossiply tells you that I'm typing. Most of the time my mind and reflexes keep me from hitting the enter key before I realize the error of my ways. I wonder what I'd say if I remember my problem with you after sending you a hello and a smiley to boot....

It's not that I don't have inspiration, its that I have that condition which, if it was to be applied to bedroom performance, would be the source of serious social stigma. You know what I'm talking about......if not, take IQ classes and re-read the post topic. Sigh, I'll do this the corporate way and set up a committee to investigate the way forward.

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The Adonis Factor

That's the title of a documentary I've just watched. It's about appreciation of male beauty, essentially how vain the "stronger" sex has become. Interesting piece that was screaming just one thing at me - VANITY!!! Human being are vain and must be destroyed.

Anyway, I saw this bit about nude yoga. I have no idea how that fitted into the whole documentary but it reminded me that a dear friend of mine once posted about life in the nude. Now that's something my whole being will never come to appreciate. Life in the nude is objectionable enough without bending in all manner of exposing positions and postures.

The whole concept of being exposed in public does not augur well with me. Not to mention that I grew up, actually have lived until recently, with the utmost sense of self consciousness about my body. And before we even get to my insecurities, the whole health and security issue about things dangling everywhere does not bother you? It bothers me much, and the breeze does not make up for the visual offense. I may not have a bone of art in me but I appreciate beauty, and notice the lack of it especially if its my face. And I cannot imagine that beauty, or lack of it, assaulting me raw. Think of the ugliest least beautiful person you know and imagine them naked (now go puke and come back to finish the post). Like y'all I'm a sensitive soul, there's only so much I can take.

I mean, being naked is such a small part of our lives, ain't it? I'm only naked in the shower and while "doing it", the former for a few minutes once a day and the latter for hopefully a few more minutes once a much-longer-period-depending-on-the-weather. I don't even sleep in the nude so I cannot contemplate living in the nude, AT ALL.

Having said that, there's some aesthetic value in partial nudity. You know, someone naturally (or artificially so long as we don't notice) beautiful dressing scantily, not from lack but deliberately and fashionably. In fact, that's a factor that I think is creeping into fashion, but I'm sure you'll find better blogs on that. But most of us sneak peaks at those underwear pictures and it ain't the fabric that's caught our attention.

Sigh, a shot of vodka in a whole glass of apple juice is not bad for a week night, is it? Especially when I'm thinking of taking the day off tomorrow, right?

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Why We All Die

Ok, that's a misleading topic, but I got you reading.

A few minutes ago I got an epiphany and now have incredible wisdom to share on life's most pertinent problems. Why are politicians so annoying? Why are lawyers so crooked? Why are blogs filled with such pain, despair, frustration and other negative emotions? And why don't I like humanity in general?

You see, any activity that appeals to the general public or a section of the public is bound to play to its whims. Politicians have no choice but to appeal to the public, and the masses are not known to posses a collectively high IQ, ergo politicians have to be, or act stupid. Lawyers cater to the less law abiding in society, and in the process they pick up more than a few inappropriate habits. Blogs have to constantly appeal to the readers, and the readers are avid consumers of gossip and emotionally unhinged musings. You disagree? Join a support group or start a blog about it.

Anyway, the reason for this epiphany is that I have realized the posts that more appeal to the readers are those that either spread gossip, or expose a psychological problem with the author. I mean, do you really want to read about my opinion on any topic or just the juicy ones?

Sigh. I feel as though I am out of my depth with blogging. Perhaps I should change the url to make it anonymous and then start putting some really personal shit up. Or maybe I should just stop caring about you long enough to post what I damn well feel like posting. Maybe I should do shorter posts. Or maybe I should spend my time coming up with a scheme to be really rich and then you'll all read my posts coz I'm rich, not because the blog is entertaining.

That's a lot of maybes for a Tuesday morning.

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Bucket List tries X

I've been working on my bucket list for the last 2 weeks and I haven't been able to get past 5. Isn't there an unwritten rule somewhere that they should be at least 11? Is the lack of progress a sign that I am lacking in ambition? Should I Google a few bucket list items? Did the chicken successfully cross that darn road?

Don't get your hopes up. I will not provide you with these answers just yet.

Like every other person person, immortality appeals to me. So I had an Un-Dorian Gray portrait done. The "Un" is because it has the reverse effect, I age and it doesn't. Oh well, it was the best I could do under the circumstances. I digress.


So anyway, here;s what I have so far....
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There's this list that people come up with basically of things that they feel the need to do before they kick the proverbial "bucket". This takes some thought since its essentially a balance between portraying myself as completely lacking in ambition and ensuring that "my reach does not exceed my thrust". Speaking of which, isn't that phrase the most comical or is my sense of humour just twisted as usual? I mean, the phrase is simply "bark worse than bite" which essentially means reputational ambition - form without substance, but everytime I hear that phrase, all I can think of is this dude who pushes himself to his limit and barely manages to get his thing to reach, but maxes out and can't follow up with a consequential thrust. Ok, I digress.

My bucket list currently reads thus:

1. Go up in a hot air balloon - I know, doesn't sound crazy but keep in mind I have a fear of heights. They say the bigger they are, the harder they fall, and its public knowledge that I pack a big one - ego that is. That other one is barely average by today's standards.

2. Sky dive - an extreme follow up of the former but with a life or death angle. I mean, I'll be facing my fear just like in the hot air balloon but in reverse order where incremental exposure to the source of my is replaced by sudden exposure to it. The reason I think I can do it is because I need to make the decision only once, and I bet my ego can kick me out of that plane and let gravity claim its rightful vengeance on my body. Whether or not I pull that cord is where the life and death choice comes in, my ego will bail and sheer survival instincts will kick in and thrust my reflexes into overdrive. Sorry, am I boring you? Switch to the facebook tab and update about it, why don't you.

3. Own german technology - and by this I don't mean buy a Volkswagen polo, I mean one of those mean-ass BMW or Merc engines which can get me to 200kph and still allow me to breath normal. Say a 335i or a E320. And not just own it and drive it, but for once, just once, do 200kph. I suppose I should add "even if its the last thing I do" coz on Kenyan roads, it might be. I know, knock on wood. And at the thought of accomplishing this bucket list, I don't need to go far to get wood.

4. Design and build my own home. I have mad design ideas, including hidden rooms, secret passages, surveillance systems that would rival CIA's, dedicated rooms (like one lined with mirrors walls, ceiling and floor) and stuff I've pulled out from TV. It will be grand, I tell you.

5. Find love. I know you're shocked but I have to confess I'm not perfect. And I do not mind the idea of 


5. Travel the world. In my itinerary are places like the Egypt pyramids, the Great Wall of China, Machu Pichu (not-so-lost city of the Incas), the Amazon and Antarctica, basically places which are not ordinary. If there was a tour service to the moon, I'd have it on the list.
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Hopefully one day, I'll have a proper bucket list. Wait, am I allowed to put that on my bucket list, or is that a redundant thought?

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A Lesson in Human Nature

Romans 7:15 "I  do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

Human nature is such that we do not readily accept our weaknesses, we seek to compensate for it, cover it or outrightly deny it, and yet, for some intriguing reason, history is filled with inspiring people who seem to have made peace with their weaknesses.

I will not add to that list.

Like every other mortal I walk around with a facade that my character, despite my sincerest efforts, I cannot match up to. This year has had one repetitive theme for me, that all of us are carefully (not so much so in some cases) self perpetuated frauds, masks, hollow facades, baseless forms of nothingness which we portray with irresponsible confidence. And it seems that I have not been spared as an example to myself.

I don't like lying to myself, but it seems I love a peaceful sleep more. Even this post is an attempt at pacifying myself, making peace with my demons, rather than expelling them with the revulsion that they deserve. I find insight but not comfort in the words of the good book, especially the words of David when he said "My sin is constantly before me".

And I am not talking of sin in the traditional sense, but rather falling short of ideals that are entrenched in my conscience by forces unknown (and infinitely unknowable), ideals that my conscious self holds dear but lacks the discipline to live up to.

What am I talking about? Well, just that sense, which occasionally rapes your otherwise most serene moments, that you're not, even in your own eyes, all that you're cut out to be, all that you pretend you are. I say you, but I mean me.

I've had a dream, for the first time in a long time with the genre of post-apocalyptic earth. I cannot remember the details, but even in my hazy recollection, I found solace in this, the destruction of the dominion of the parasite that is man and its elimination from an otherwise harmonious existence. Concurrently, I came to the realization that it is that same parasite which I so passionately would deny my ties to that gives meaning to everything else. Following swiftly on the heels of that realization is the acceptance, alluded to at the beginning of this post, that I am immensely like every lesser mind, full of fault.

I am neither suicidal nor do I harbour actual ill will to any individual mortal. Why I must clarify this, I have no idea.

On a matter of principle, and keeping up with the facade, I will not post this today. Are you confused? If yes, don't worry, so am I. If you aren't, don't worry either, I completely understand that we all find our masks protective and reassuring.

I feel like this was meant to be poetic, but I have no urge to attend to the superficiality of poetic forms.

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Failed Social Experiment

Lesbians are not as fun as they seem from far, they're so human. I had the chance to hang out with a bunch of them but I guess the mix was steeped not to work out too well for me.

I learnt one thing, where human being have differences and diversity, all these are based on the basic principles that make us human. Such as love, attraction and lust. I know, quite primal, but the list is inexhaustive.

I realise I'm inclined to enjoy the company of a select few, and no more. There was no incentive to talk to anyone, and this is in my house. So of course I called for social reinforcements.

The thing with me is that I don't pursue lost causes, I must have a reasonable expectation of victory for me to bother, and I honestly did not see myself having successful conversation with this group.

Well, that's one social experiment which I won't be repeating.

I need to do a post on the human capacity for evil. I visited the kigali genocide memorial and I was almost moved to tears, not by the sheer capacity for evil exhibited by the hutu but in most part by this statement said in the darkest hours of Rwanda - "save a single soul and you save the world entire". This was said by a person in the face of death. Staggering stuff. More on that in a separate post.

I can't hide discontent, I think my guests have noticed and might be making plans to leave, or maybe its not true, just wishful thinking. Oh well, I guess I'd better post and strategize their exit.

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